The Miracle and the Irony of Forgiving

Several months ago a man made an appointment to meet with me regarding some of his personal struggles.  When the appointed time arrived I was more than a little curious about what was on his mind and how I could help.  After sharing a heartrending story of his life experiences, he summed it up by saying that the biggest burden he carried was his inability to forgive those who had hurt him.  What a heavy burden it was for him to carry.  I could see it in his eyes and in his manner and even in his posture.  He seemed sad.  The mental image I had of him was of someone standing in a deep hole looking up and longing to be back in the light.

Forgiveness as a Choice to Give Up a Right

The interesting thing to me was that he didn’t attribute his burdens to the challenges in his life; he attributed his burdens to HIS inability (or refusal) to forgive.  He saw this as a personal failure.

This meeting launched me on a study of the Positive Psychology of Forgiveness.  I was looking for a lifeline that I could throw to my friend.

I found that Positive Psychologists have defined forgiveness in various ways.  The definition I liked most was one created by Robert Enright.  To him, forgiveness is a “willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, negative judgment, and indifferent behavior toward one who unjustly hurt us, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity, and even love toward him or her.”(Italics added)

This definition acknowledges what we all feel when we have been hurt.  Be honest, don’t you feel that you have a RIGHT to resentment and that the qualities of compassion, generosity, and love are UNDESERVED by the perpetrator?  These two aspects of forgiving set the stage for the miracle and the irony of forgiving.

Forgiveness as Pure Happiness

Martin Luther said that “forgiveness [is] pure happiness.”  The miracle and the irony of forgiving is that to achieve this “pure happiness” and to heal from our wounds we must CHOOSE to give up our right to resentment and we must CHOOSE to re-establish compassion, generosity, and love toward the very person who hurt us.  This can be very tough.  Perhaps, this is why Gandhi said, “The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

Another irony is that if we choose NOT to forgive, then WE must carry the heavy burden of resentment and feel the negative emotions of hatred, and the helplessness of the victim.

Forgivness Studied
Positive Psychologists have studied the effects of forgiving. Charlotte vanOyen Witvliet found that people who visualized forgiving those who had offended them experienced less anger, sadness, and overall negative emotions compared to when they relived the hurt and held a grudge.[iv]  Martin E. P. Seligman found that “physical health, particularly in cardiovascular terms, is likely better in those who forgive than those who do not.”

Everett Worthington, a noted forgiveness researcher, said that “you can’t hurt the perpetrator by not forgiving, but you can set yourself free by forgiving.” 

But How?
Yes, but how do you do this?  How do you give up the right to resentment?  How do you show compassion, generosity, and love to those who have offended and hurt you?  Worthington provides us a model.  Worthington’s “Five Steps to Forgiveness” were born of his own struggle to forgive the person who raped and then brutally murdered his aging mother in a most shocking and horrific way.  Worthington’s “REACH” acronym helps us to remember the steps.

R = Recall the hurt; visualize the event or the circumstance.

E = Empathize with the perpetrator.  Understand his/her point of view.

A = Altruistic gift of forgiveness.  This must be given freely without self interest.

C = Commit yourself to forgive publicly.

H = Hold on to the forgiveness. (Forgive seven times seventy as the scripture says)[vii]

Each of these steps can be extremely difficult to take and it may take time – sometimes a long time – to take each one. 

Other ideas to help us develop the virtue of forgiveness include:[viii]

                  
• Let a grudge go every day.

                  

• When you feel annoyed, even with justification, take the high road and do not tell anyone how you feel.

                

• Write a “forgiveness Letter;” DO NOT send it, but DO read it every day for a week.

As we attempt to “REACH” to be more forgiving, we begin to feel a motivating peace that propels us forward.  “When we forgive others, there is a sense of a burden being lifted.  When we forgive others, we give up our position as an aggrieved victim and lose the power to induce guilt and the luxury of experiencing and expressing righteous indignation.  Forgiveness require[s] us to put pride aside and be humble.”

My friend is still struggling to give his gift of forgiveness.  Maybe a place to start — for him and for us — is to forgive ourselves.  I think there is something noble and majestic, and at the same time, humble about someone who forgives.  Those who truly forgive seem to attain a serenity that is deep and rich.  These “forgivers” give a unique and singular gift that is theirs alone to give.

 

---

 
References

Enright, R. D., Freedman, S., & Rique, J. (1998). The psychology of interpersonal forgiveness.  In R. D. Enright & J. North (eds.), Exploring Forgiveness (pp. 46-62). Madison: University of Wisconsin Press.  

Enright, R. D. (2001). Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-By-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope (Apa Lifetools). American Psychological Association.

Luther, Sermon for the 19^th Sunday after Trinity; Matthew 9:1-8, in the Sermons of Martin Luther, 5 vols. (Grand Rapids, Mish.: Baker Book House, 1983), 5:198. 

Gandhi, M. (2000).  The collected works of Mahatma Gandhi (2^nd ed., Vol. 51, pp. 301-302).  Mahatma Gandhi Young India. New Deli: Government of India, Publications Division.

Witvliet, C. V., Ludwig, T.E., & Vander Laan, K. L. (2001). Granting forgiveness or harboring grudges: Implications for emotion, physiology, and health.  Psychological Science, 12, 117-123.

Seligman, M.E.P. (1994). What You Can Change . . . and What You Can’t*: The Complete Guide to Successful Self-Improvement. New York: Knopf.   See chapter 9, “The Angry Person.” 

Worthington, E. (2001). Five Steps to Forgiveness: The Art and Science of Forgiving. New York: Crown.

Worthington, E. (2009). A Just Forgiveness: Responsible Healing Without Excusing Injustice. IVP Books.

St. Matthew 18:22

Peterson, C., (2006). A Primer in Positive Psychology New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

Carr, A. (2004). Positive Psychology: The Science of Happiness and Human Strengths. Hove. Routledge.

Images
Nelson Mandela courtesy of Paul Williams. The number 46664 was his prison number, and the significance here is that forgiveness is in our hands.