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Decision Making and Adolescent World Views: The Daily Better Interview Part 2

by Kathryn Britton
written by Kathryn Britton

Henry Edwards

In 2019, Henry Edwards published The Daily Better: 365 Reasons for Optimism. I interviewed him on December 12 about why he wrote the book. In the first part of the interview, I learned that he personally changed his world view to be more open and hopeful and that he hopes his book will help others do the same. Today we dig a little deeper. We talk about better ways of making decisions than being driven by fear. We also discuss the impact he has had on the world views of his high school students and explore his plans for a future book targeted for them and their age peers.

Kathryn: Many people seem to be making decisions based on fear. What do you think would be a better basis for decision-making?

Kindergartners exercising in Malaysia

Henry: A lot of decision making starts with problems. What needs to be solved. A better approach is to start by looking at what is already working and how to extend it. One thing that is not happening enough in American education is looking at good examples around the world. Canada, Australia, Estonia, Italy with early childhood education. Japan for elementary education. There are a lot of great best practices out there, but I think we just aren’t looking far enough.

Peter Drucker said that an organization should have an alignment of strengths that makes weaknesses irrelevant. I work in this great school but we spend so much time talking about the problems without necessarily reviewing the many things that are working well. I spend a lot of time building relationships with students because research shows that makes a difference. I think people want to be seen. If students know that I know them and they feel like I’m on their sides, they’ll come to class on time. They’ll do the work. Of course, I’m also at a school that’s very much project-based, where the students have a lot of say. I pay attention to spreading my attention to all of them.

I think organizations and people just generally focus too much on the negative. But most of us are really looking for opportunities. You and I are both writers. I don’t get writer’s block any more because I think, “I’m just gonna put it out there. I’m gonna do my best. I may get negative feedback, but because I have a different perspective, other people might benefit from what I have to say.” I certainly like it when people ask me to read their stuff. Having an abundant connective way of everyday commerce in the world is the way we should make our decisions, not out of fear.

Kathryn: What does science teach us about the benefits of being optimistic?

Henry: We are plastic. We can learn stuff. If we change how we think about something, we can change our futures. There’s so much good out there. Yes, there are problems. But let’s focus on the solutions that are possible. For example, we have models for climate change. Look at the Montreal protocol and its effect on the ozone hole. Pollution has become so much better in many countries than it was 30-40 years ago.

There’s a lot of evidence that having an optimistic outlook has a lot of good outcomes. We tend to have better health, greater success and achievement, experience less stress, have more positive emotions, and live longer. These are pretty robust findings. The question I’m interested in is, “If we change our world view, does that also affect our well-being?” I’m not sure it has been answered yet. We have pretty strong correlational evidence. But has it been proved that if you change this, you will change that?

Kathryn: In your teaching, do you find that you have an impact on the world views, whether optimistic or pessimistic, of your students?

Save the Planet!

Henry: Yes. Let me give you an example. There’s a girl in the school. Let’s call her Jill. Jill is very anxious. I found her in a depressed state one day. She said to me, “I think we are screwed with global warming.” I told her that the two big environmental problems when I was growing up were acid rain and the ozone hole. Nations got together and made them better. I think it changed her world view. She’s a scientist, and she is asking, “Are things really worse?” I’m seeing students question the bad news more.

Kathryn: How has writing this book changed you personally?

Henry: At first, I was afraid of being the optimist on stage, because I thought people would shoot me down, no matter what argument I could give them. But I’ve gotten so much positive feedback. On Sunday, I was at a house with 20 people. They were so moved by the idea that there’s so much good in the world and so many things going right. They had no idea. People have been shocked. One of my coworkers bought the book because she needs the daily basting in stories of progress. We actually do have the efficacy to solve these big problems.

Kathryn: What holds people back from a practice of daily gratitude?

Henry: I think habit. Assuming the worst is easy, but there’s a hangover. When I got sober 26 years ago, I didn’t have a gratitude habit. It was hard to build. People get habituated to the good in the world. We’re habituated now to the fact that few people smoke. But I remember moving through clouds of smoke when I was younger. When we get use to the good, we forget to be grateful for it.

Kathryn: How does your book help people address that?

Mosquito netting, a preventative measure

Henry: It provides a daily reminder of the good. June 18th is about a pioneer in the treatment of malaria. People used to get malaria here in the US, but it and most major mosquito-borne diseases have been controlled. June 19 is about the Gideon decision which gives legal representation to people who can’t pay for it. June 21 is about the GI Bill, certainly a big thing that people forget. The reason we have such high college attainment rates in the US is that the GI Bill got average people into college. Then June 22 is about the Cuyahoga River. We’ve gone from Burn on Big River to the Clean Water Act of 1972 to the Cuyahoga being named the “River of the Year” by the American River Association to celebrate its phenomenal cleanup. Story after story about human progress.

Kathryn: What’s next for you?

Henry: My mission is to co-create a better world by accentuating human goodness and human progress. I think about my own troubles as a kid. My parents did their best, but I was alone a lot, depressed, and didn’t really follow my dreams. I really want to help in a way that I wanted to be helped as a kid. So first I want help people see the good because I was not seeing it as a kid.

Gen Z

I love Gen Z. These kids are interesting, honest, direct, funny, and they know a lot about what they want. I think I speak to them in a way that is respectful, with camaraderie and rapport. So, I want to write a book for teenagers about positive psychology because I don’t think there is such a book yet. I used Dan Lerner’s book last year for my high school class. It’s great, but it’s for college. I want to focus on mindfulness, because I think that’s such an important skill and lifestyle choice. I think a lot of the attentional problems that students have can be aided just with meditation.

I ask myself, “How do I change the world?” It is guided by my own wounds growing up, which were not really being seen and not really being helped. I want to write for high school kids in the age range 14 to 18. I want to write on mindfulness, emotional intelligence, and positive emotions. The top-level idea will be purpose as a way for them to use positive psychology to be happier. Relationships particularly with peer groups are important too. I should have a section on picking friends well, because the people you spend time with can make such a difference.

Kathryn: How would you like to sum up?

Henry: My feeling is just there’s so much goodness that we’re not seeing, not savoring. The things I talk about are real. No iron lungs any more. Look at a picture of my father’s MIT class compared to my MAPP class: his class was all men, almost entirely white while my class had lots of women, people from all over the world. We need to latch on to changes like this more.
 

 
References

Edwards, H. (2019). The Daily Better: 365 Reasons for Optimism. Authors Place Press.

Lerner, D. (2017). U Thrive: How to Succeed in College (and Life). Little, Brown, Spark.

Rossling, H. (2018). Factfulness: Ten Reasons We’re Wrong About the World–and Why Things Are Better Than You Think. Flatiron Books.

Image Credits

Kindergarten children in Malaysia exercising Photo by Uwe Aranas
Save the Planet! by Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash
Mosquito Netting by Tjeerd Wiersma from Amsterdam, The Netherlands – Flickr
High school students Photo by Eliott Reyna on Unsplash

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AllBook AnnouncementBook ReviewChangeGlobal PoliciesHealthNatureOptimism

Looking in the Right End of the Telescope: The Daily Better Interview Part 1

by Kathryn Britton
written by Kathryn Britton

Henry Edwards

In 2019, Henry Edwards published The Daily Better: 365 Reasons for Optimism. I interviewed him on December 12 about why he wrote the book. I learned that he personally changed his world view to be more open and hopeful and that he hopes his book will help others do the same.

https://positivepsychologynews.com/ppnd_wp/wp-admin/post.php?post=40047&action=edit

Kathryn: Give us the 30 second elevator pitch for your book.

Henry: Sure. It’s a book of days, one page for every day of the year. Every day has a story about humanity at our best. The day starts with a quotation and then a story about something humans did well that is associated with that date. The page closes with the Thought for the Day, a generalization about the event of the day. The day might be associated with eradicating polio or women getting the vote in most places in the world or the decline of absolute poverty or extension of rights to animals. There’s a lot of variety, but the book provides a daily reminder that big things like freedom, economic growth, education, and human rights are trending in the right direction. That may not be what people read in the newspapers, which report on stuff that bleeds or explodes. The point of my book is to be a counteractive corrective dose of positivity for every day of the year.

Kathryn: That makes me think of Hans Rosling’s book Factfulness, about how little people seem to know about global trends for the better. I like that idea, that your book is an alternative news diet. What prompted you to write it?

Henry: People are surprised when I tell them I used to be a depressed pessimist and an alcoholic. I got sober in 1993. and one of the things that my sponsor insisted was that I develop an attitude of gratitude.

Telescope

I asked, “Well great, but grateful for what?”

To which he replied, “You have a college education, you’re healthy, you have access to healthcare, and now you are sober.”

It was as if I had been looking in the big end of the telescope, and the world I saw was tiny. My sponsor said, “Henry, turn the telescope around!” Whoa! That’s the way the world really is.

I needed to change my world view. That made me see how negative my news diet had become. My book is a way to give people a counteractive dose to their media diets. There is a story for every day of the year about something good happening, something big. On December 11, the story is about the founding of UNICEF, which has saved millions of lives. Contrast that in scale to stories in the news about 2 or 3 people dying in an explosion.

For another example, my daughter has opportunities that my mother did not. My wife is in the National Symphony here in Washington DC. A couple of generations ago, the only job a woman could get in a big orchestra was the harpist.

There are so many stories that we forget or take for granted. Literally, the fabric of our lives has so much goodness in it, and what we’re getting served as news is terrible fare.

Kathryn: This seems like a good book to start right now, as 2020 starts.

Yes, though really you don’t have to start on January 1. You can start anywhere and dose yourself with good news as you go through the year. Some people read it through like a book. Some people read one day at a time.

Kathryn: What kept you inspired while you worked on your book?

Elvis Presley, 1958

Elvis Presley, 1958

Henry: It was easy because I got to look for all these great stories. What happened on this day in history? Who was involved? Who was affected? Let me give you another example. In 1956, about 20 to 30% of Americans were getting their polio shots. On October 28, Elvis Presley got his polio vaccination on the Ed Sullivan show. Vaccination rates went up to 80% within 6 months. That public health intervention helped eradicate polio. That’s not what people usually associate with Elvis Presley.

I finished my first draft before my deadline. It was a joy to write.

Kathryn: What’s the most surprising thing you encountered while working on your book?

Henry: I was surprised that there’s something good on every day, though sometimes it was a bit of a stretch to find it.

Mae West

Mae West

Here’s another surprise. There has been great progress on human sexuality. February 10 celebrates Alex Comfort’s Joy of Sex, and March 22 1972 celebrates the US Supreme Court ruling that single people could not be denied contraceptives. I teach high school. There are so many kids exploring their sexual identities, transgender, gay, straight. The comfort with which kids talk about sexual identities today is amazing and funny. Just a century ago, Mae West got jailed for playing a lead role in the Broadway play, Sex. We’ve made considerable progress away from a history of terrible persecution against LGBT people. People can be themselves in so many different ways now. I guess I’m surprised both by how far and fast we’ve come and by how far we have yet to go.

Kathryn: With global warming and environmental destruction, people feel that we are in dark times. What do you think?

Henry: Yes and no. Global warming is a massive problem, but I think we’ll fix it faster than we think we can. My main reason is what I know about how we changed the behaviors that contributed to the ozone hole. In the 80s, the two big environmental problems were acid rain and the ozone hole. The ozone hole was addressed by the Montreal protocols, which were actually signed into US law by a Republican President, Ronald Reagan, someone we don’t usually think of as an environmental president. When coal plants in Ohio and Michigan sent up nitrous and sulfur dioxide that caused acid rain that killed trees in Vermont or New York, we started to regulate it. We required scrubbers in power plants. Even fracking helped. I hope we can end fracking eventually, but it made coal much less economical. Most of the mercury in the fish we eat comes from coal. Natural gas produces a lot less carbon dioxide. We were able to make international agreements to solve global atmosphere problems. Based on our track record, I’m hopeful, but with measured optimism.

Ozone levels stabilized in the 1990s following the Montreal Protocol, and have started to recover. They are projected to reach pre-1980 levels before 2075.

Kathryn: How does the media shape our world view?

Henry: The media tends to play to our negativity bias, that is, our tendency to think more about the bad, see the bad more easily, and see the bad in more fine grain. The media also tends to use a narrow frame focusing on particular episodes. With the availability heuristic, whatever we see, that’s what we think the world is. So, we see murder, car crashes, problems, problems, problems in the news. Our minds make the connection: The news represents the world, the news is full of problems, so the world must be full of problems.

The best news sources like the Christian Science Monitor, National Public Radio, Positive News out of the UK, and a website by David Burns called Feeling Good, take a thematic frame, a much bigger frame that puts the episode in a bigger context. People die in hospitals of antibiotic-resistant infections. That’s episodic. It leaves us anxious about the dangers of antibiotic resistance and feeling powerless. In a thematic frame, we also hear about work on new antibiotics and how humans might be able to use CRISPR technology to alter some of micro-organisms so that they essentially kill each other. We can do other things that are preventative, such as using antibiotics less in livestock, to try to reduce the incidence of antibiotic resistance. I think looking at the big picture is both more accurate and more hopeful.

Kathryn: Tell me how your book supports that thematic view.

Surgeon General Luther Terry

Henry: I opened the book to January 11, which takes a historical view on smoking. On January 11, 1964, the US Surgeon General laid out the perils of tobacco to health. Back in 1966, the year I was born, 45% of Americans smoked. Today, 15% smoke. That is 15% too many, but that is also a 66% decrease, an amazing drop.

In episodic news reporting, we see vaping as a big problem. But with a thematic view, we can take a bigger look at tobacco. If we went from 45% to 15%, there’s a decent chance we’ll go to zero eventually. Part of the thematic frame includes looking at public health as a government service. Public health saves millions of lives. In an era of many people being anti-government, it’s good to remember the good that government has achieved.

Invitation

Come back tomorrow for more from Henry Edwards about decision making and how he sees his mission to help the shape the world views of high school students, both the ones he teaches and many more with the future book that he is planning to write.

 

 
References

Edwards, H. (2019). The Daily Better: 365 Reasons for Optimism Authors Place Press.

Edwards, H. (2019-2020). Henry’s Better Blog.

Gyldensted, C. (2013). Hurricane Sandy, Utoya, homelessness: Constructive news out of loss. Positive Psychology News.

Rossling, H. (2018). Factfulness: Ten Reasons We’re Wrong About the World–and Why Things Are Better Than You Think. Flatiron Books.

Image Credits:
Telescope Photo by Rik van der Kroon on Unsplash
Elvis Presley, 1958, from Wikimedia Commons
Mae West from Wikimedia
Luther Terry from Center For Disease Control

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AllAppreciative InquiryBook ReviewParenting & SchoolsTaking Action

Thriving Women, Thriving World

by Lisa Sansom
written by Lisa Sansom
Lisa and others in the Amazon

Complete with Rubber boots

A while ago, I had the great honor to go and teach positive psychology in the Amazon jungle for a beneficial charity that does great work in the region. This organization partners with local communities to help them gain access to water, education, health, and other important elements for individual and community well-being.

Each day, I conducted a morning workshop, and then for the rest of the day, we journeyed into the local communities and learned more about the villages, the people who live there, and the work being done.

In one small community, the women had, with support, created a women’s artisan group. We learned how to scrape the green off long jungle leaves to reveal the fibers that the women could dry and weave into bracelets. We learned about the different seeds that the women used for ornamentation. We learned that, although it took us a long time to wrap our minds around how to braid and tie the bracelets, a skilled woman artisan could make a beautiful basic bracelet in about 5 minutes. We also learned that the money that these women earn goes back to their families for education, food, and clean water. Our jungle guide, a man, told us that their research has clearly demonstrated that when you educate and empower women, the money comes back to the community, creating stronger and healthier families and communities. The power of women multiplies for the good and benefit of all.

 

A Love Letter to All Women

It was in this context that I read an advanced electronic copy of Thriving Women, Thriving World: An invitation to Dialogue, Healing, and Inspired Actions co-authored by a wonderful group of women, including Diana Whitney who is a leading thinker and practitioner in the Appreciative Inquiry space. Many of the authors have credentials in the positive psychology and/or Appreciative Inquiry fields, and this becomes important and illustrative throughout the book.

What really stays with me is that this book – and “book” seems like such an impoverished word for this treasure – is really a love letter to all women everywhere. It is uplifting, inspiring, empowering, and energizing. It speaks of hope and possibility and the creation of a wonderful future for everyone through the recognition and appreciation of women.

What’s Inside?

At a basic level, the book is divided into chapters that tackle subjects such as educating for social change and creating thriving relationships. There are sections dedicated to women’s bodies, financial literacy, and how women – and men – can support women. This is truly a wide-ranging diverse scope, and incredibly ambitious for a book of this nature.

Book Celebration in South Africa, home of two of the authors, Tanya Cruz Teller and Marlene Ogawa

What makes it work is that each chapter contains micro-learnings that lead to insight on the topic. For example, one topic dives into forgiveness, describing what it means, and then prompting the reader with appreciative questions about forgiveness: think about a situation in which you forgave a small violation, and why that was important to you. The reader is then prompted to consider other situations, larger violations, even nearly unforgivable ones, and contemplate the role that forgiveness has played in their lives and thriving.

Through exercises such as this, personal narratives scattered throughout the book, practices, and poetic reflections, readers are implicitly invited to share their humanity with all women, and by extension, all humans on the planet.

Authors from USA, Canada, Mexico, and South Africa

How to Use the Book

Every word, you can tell, has been chosen carefully and deliberately. But since 200+ pages of this can feel overwhelming, the authors have also included eight ways in which this book can be used. For example, you may wish to use this on your own: take one page per day and spend time reflecting and writing in a journal. You may wish to engage with a partner or one person close to you selecting questions to ask each other to reach a deeper understanding. You may spread these positive ripples further through group discussions or workplace culture interventions. No doubt creative and resourceful readers will come up with their own ways to engage with these valuable materials.

What Stood Out for Me

At the end of my encounter with this book, however, what really stood out for me is that the world cannot thrive and humanity cannot flourish without the positive contributions of women, who form just over half of the human population. When women are involved, communities, families, and workplaces are better and stronger. The world in dire situations now, with environmental, cultural, emotional, physical, and financial needs all crying out for human support and repair. We ignore the power of women at our own peril.

I believe this quote from the book illustrates this in a sincerely compelling way:

“To my sister women: we are being called to gather in circle. To join in a circle of community and bold collaboration. To raise up our voices to the world – for together we are stronger.” (p. 155)

Let’s all go forth and flourish.
 

 
References

Whitney, D., Cocciolone, J., Miller, C. A., Moon, H., Britton, K. H., De La Barra, A. L., Koh, A., Teller, T. C., & Ogawa, M. (2019). Thriving Women Thriving World: An invitation to Dialogue, Healing, and Inspired Actions. Chagrin Falls, OH: Taos Institute.

The 92 questions in this book are written in the style of The Encyclopedia of Positive Questions:

Whitney, D., Trosten-Bloom, A., Cooperrider, D., & Kaplin, B. S. (2013). Encyclopedia of Positive Questions, 2nd Ed.. Crown Custom Publishing.

Image Credits:
First picture used with permission from Lisa Sansom.
Group of celebrating people in South Africa used with permission from Tanya Cruz Teller.

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AllBook ReviewHabitsStrengthsTaking Action

Building Character with a 30-Day Practice (Book Review)

by Rosalinda Ballesteros Valdes
written by Rosalinda Ballesteros Valdes

Jane Strunk Anderson’s book, 30 Days of Character Strengths: A Guided Practice to Ignite Your Best lays out a month-long series of practices to help people intentionally develop their own character strengths. It can also be used by coaches or team leaders to help people work together to develop habits around character strengths.

Positive Psychology highlights the importance of focusing on strengths. Lea Waters, professor at the University of Melbourne, defines strengths as what you do well and enjoy doing that benefits others. Anderson explains that character strengths are core capacities for thinking, feeling, and behaving in ways that can bring benefit to self and others.

Jane Strunk Anderson

Who is the author?

Jane Anderson has studied character strengths with the Wholebeing Institute and the VIA Institute on Character, and she has taught them in the Wholebeing Institute and to her clients. She is now running a 6-week program called Rise and Thrive in 2019. In her biography on the Strength Based Living site, she states:

“Sometimes it’s necessary to improve weaknesses and what’s wrong, but I find that as a society we’re good at focusing on the negative and less practiced at pursuing the positive. I hope to change that.”

She herself has worked her way through more than forty 30-day practices, by herself and with friends, so this format comes very naturally to her.

What is in the book?

Anderson invites you, the reader, to start by creating a personal strengths profile using the VIA Strengths Survey that is freely available online. With this profile in hand, Anderson´s book leads you through the following four-week practice:

  • Week 1: understanding your own strengths
  • Week 2: building relationships based on your strengths and spotting the strengths of others
  • Week 3: building competence in the use of your character strengths so that you don’t overuse, underuse, or misuse them
  • Week 4: perfecting your own development

Every activity or exercise is organized with a question and reflection format that allows you to evolve consciously your understanding of your own strengths and shows you ways to truly ignite your personal development. One of the wonderful things about this book is that each week closes with a summary of the week activities, and the last three days of the 30-day period are used to look towards creating your own future practice.

What did I particularly enjoy?

Be strong

The book is written from an easygoing and warm perspective. It has a good balance of explaining why the activities work to make you a better version of yourself with a very practical and simple daily exercise format. I especially liked having a 30-day format. When trying to create a habit, repetition is key. Although the book includes 30 different exercises, they are related and build on each other. That makes the book habit forming, especially if you go through it more than once. The book also leads to a beneficial change of mindset by shifting the focus from deficit improvement to boosting strengths.

Anderson proposes a progression in terms of the depth of the activities. The simpler ones are in the first week. More complex and reflective exercises are presented as the month advances. This is one of the specific things that I value about thinking about character strengths for a month: there is a start, a progression, and an end to the improvement plan.

Anderson’s book, besides helping you to understand your unique character strengths profile, also invites you to look at others through the lens of their unique strengths profiles. I could personally relate to one of the exercises where as a reader I was invited to look at conflict as a collision of strengths. If each of people in the conflict are using their strengths to determine their particular views of the situation, what would happen if I changed to use a different strength?

With a group of friends

How did I use the book?

One thing that I did with a group of friends is that we all started with the activities at the same time. Then we had brief discussions on each of the exercises and shared our experiences. After finishing the 30 days, we realized that the book also allowed each of us to customize strengths practices to our own personalities.

By now I hope you are interested on the practice of knowing and also developing a strengths-based focus using the VIA Character Strengths classification. If so a copy of this book for yourself can be the perfect tool to begin and keep going. You might also want to subscribe to her Strength Based Living newsletter to get ongoing reminders to practice.
 

 
References

Anderson, J. S. (2018). 30 Days of Character Strengths: A Guided Practice to Ignite Your Best. Strength Based Living LLC.

Anderson, J. S. (2019). 3 key questions that shift you into strengths when you’re stressed. Strength Based Living blog.

Anderson, J. S. (ongoing). Strength Based Living web site. Subscribe to be informed when a new round of the Rise and Thrive class is scheduled.

Niemiec, R. M. & McGrath, R. E. (2019). The Power of Character Strengths. VIA Institute on Character.

Waters, L. (2017). The Strength Switch: How The New Science of Strength-Based Parenting Can Help Your Child and Your Teen to Flourish. New York: Avery.

Image credits
Picture of Jane Strunk Anderson from her web site, Strength Based Living
Be strong Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash
Group of friends Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

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AllBook ReviewHome and FamilyRelationshipsTaking Action

Not a Partnership (Book Review)

by Lisa Sansom
written by Lisa Sansom

Walking together

Right from the title page, Not A Partnership¸ is provocative, thoughtful, inspired and, perhaps unintentionally, funny. This book by Tod Jacobs and Yosef (Peter) Lynn is about marriage and relationships. The authors are both married to the women to whom they dedicated the book. They dive into some areas of relationships where other authors may fear to tread, they take on some fundamental beliefs about what marriage is perceived to be, and they unabashedly look under all the rocks and unearth some true gems. Even if you don’t agree with them (and I had a few intense gut reactions myself), you will certainly come away thinking about things in a new way that you will not be able to unsee.

 

First though, a bit of background on the authors. Both Tod and Yosef currently live in Jerusalem with their respective families. Tod is Director of the David Robinson Institute for Jewish Heritage in Jerusalem. He formerly worked on Wall Street and has been nominated for a Pulitzer Prize for investigative journalism. Peter Yosef lectures at Touro College in Jerusalem and is the Founder and Director of the Greatness Within Seminars, which takes the Jewish (and logical and positive psychology) approach of focusing on where you are going right in life. Both authors bring tremendous background and insight to this book.

The book then, is also very logical and based in practical and mystical Jewish wisdom with modern theory, research and techniques. It opens with Tod’s anecdote of how the book came to be, and the instigating question that if marriage is not a partnership, then what is it? That’s what this book explores through topics such as biology, emotion, soul, and the foundation of marriage: giving.

Tod Jacobs

Now, to be sure, I do not have a grounding in Jewish religion or philosophy, so I learned a lot reading this book on many different levels. As the authors write, “While some of the source material is ‘spiritual,’ the insights contained therein are by no means confined to religious adherents. Indeed, the power of the ideas lies in their universality and self-evident depth and truth. Whatever your background and beliefs may be, we believe that the ideas speak for themselves and have proven themselves unequivocally powerful and compelling across the centuries.”

The authors take us back to basics, defining what exactly marriage is, its roots starting from Adam and Eve, and why marriage is “the place for life’s ultimate goals to be fulfilled” (emphasis theirs). Further into the basics, the authors do a dive into male and female biology, and note that we are “separate but equal.” They write about the man’s contribution to baby-making: “How incredibly ‘male’ is his contribution — massive amounts of energy and potential, but no staying power and no reality!” which really made me laugh out loud. I’m not sure if the authors meant it to be that funny, but it’s not the only place where their humor and humanity comes through.

At some points, I admit I struggled with the apparent traditional roles and stereotypes: the man fighting urges to be unfaithful, the woman who is potentially emotionally smothering; the man who approaches marriage with a “childlike spirit,” and the woman who is “the adult in the relationship.” But I’m willing to push past that for the real heart of the book, which is “The road to marital happiness and perfection begins when I give.”

Gift of Bread

The authors make the claim that we have marriage all backwards. We don’t love someone when they give to us. Instead we love someone when we give to them. Why, for example, do parents love their children more than children love their parents? It’s because parents give more to their children than the other way around. People love their dogs because they take care of them. It’s the same with gardening, and many other relationships, hobbies, and activities. When we give more of ourselves, we love and enjoy that relationship or activity more. Therefore, the way to a successful marriage is to give more of yourself to the other person and to the relationship. This, according to the authors, is not a new insight. It is rooted in ancient Talmudic wisdom that still holds true today.

Interestingly, this also appears to hold up in positive psychology research. As the authors note, “Research by social psychologist Liz Dunn and her colleagues, published in the journal Science, shows that people’s sense of happiness is greater when they spend relatively more money on others than on themselves,” and “Americans who describe themselves as “very happy” volunteer an average of 5.8 hours per month.” They cite several other findings substantiating the premise that giving leads to happiness and improved relationships with other people.

Peter Yosef Lynn

Of course, there is much more to a happy marriage than simply giving, and the authors take us through the worlds of self-love, selfishness, what real giving is, and how this all relates to marriage and some ancient thinking. They also address why love doesn’t last, and they bust some prevalent myths of marriage.

Ultimately, there are three underlying principles that they say must form the core of giving in marriage:

  1. Make your spouse the center of your concern in life.
  2. Focus on building the other.
  3. Marital happiness lies in intimacy – total connectivity.

Giving freshness

With this in mind, the authors posit four pillars:

  1. Keeping it fresh
  2. Gratitude: feeling it and showing it
  3. Respect in all its forms
  4. Responsibility: it all depends on me!

I won’t go into all the details. It’s a good idea to pick up the book and read through so you can highlight and make your own notes and reflect on your own marriage and other relationships. But here’s what I will share. Once I got to the end of the book, I did have to pause and reflect on my own marriage and my own relationships. While I won’t go into details here, I’ll just say that, if this book sets the standard, I have a lot of room to grow!

The work of Dr Adam Grant, notably in his book Give and Take, however did echo in my mind as I was reading Not A Partnership. In his research, Adam Grant discovered that people he labeled Givers can become exhausted and unfulfilled and perhaps burn out when they give and give and give without boundaries, especially to people he called Takers. I don’t believe that Jacobs and Lynn would ever advocate staying in any sort of relationships where one partner is abusive or all-consuming without ever giving, but it does seem that they also advocate giving without keeping track and without expectation of reciprocity. At some point, that may be a recipe for disaster, and not all relationships are worth staying in. That said, if both partners are Givers and make each other the central concern of their lives and work together on their relationship, then I can see how marriage can be reconstrued as “not a partnership.”

Having a discussion

There was much in this book that caused me to be more reflective and introspective. When you’re in a life-long relationship with someone else, that’s probably a good practice. Since it takes two to tango, couples may want to buy two copies of this book, one for each to read, make notes in, and reflect on. Then they might want to do a few date book club nights to share their ideas and move forward together.
 

 
References

Jacobs, T. & Lynn, P. (2019). Not A Partnership: Why We Keep Getting Marriage Wrong & How We Can Get It Right. Not a Partnership LLC.

Dunn, E. W., Aknin, L. B., & Norton, M. I. (2008). Spending money on others promotes happiness. Science, 319(5870), 1687-1688. DOI: 10.1126/science.1150952. Abstract.

Dunn, E. & Norton, M. (2013). Happy Money: The Science of Smarter Spending. Simon Shuster.

Grant, Adam. (2013). Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success. Viking Press.

Picture Credits

Couple walking Photo by Shea Rouda on Unsplash
Gift of bread Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash
Giving strawberries Photo by Artur Rutkowski on Unsplash
Couple in a coffeeshop Photo by Christin Hume on Unsplash

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AllAppreciative InquiryBook ReviewCommunication

Conversations Worth Having (Book Review)

by Lisa Sansom
written by Lisa Sansom

 

In his gracious and thoughtful introduction to this book, Appreciative Inquiry (AI) creator and founder Dr. David Cooperrider writes, “[t]his book is built on the authors’ relentless optimism.” This book is also built upon the deep expertise of the authors, Jackie Stavros and Cheri Torres, internationally recognized for their research and consulting. It also demonstrates the growing application and infiltration of Appreciative Inquiry into individuals, dyads, and small groups, moving well beyond its original scope of systemic organizational change. It has been truly wonderful to see the principles of Appreciative Inquiry grow into so many different domains, including, now, the area that is often referred to as “difficult conversations.”

Jackie Stavros, DM

In the world of Appreciative Inquiry, we recognize that our words create worlds, so it is fitting that Stavros and Torres have included “difficult conversations” in with  “conversations worth having.” To underscore this notion, the book’s preface begins with the observation that “Conversations lie at the heart of how we interact.” Ponder that for a moment. If conversations truly do lie at the heart of interpersonal interactions, then what becomes possible? What becomes important and meaningful? What conversations become worth having, rather than shying away from them?

Cheri Torres, Ph.D.

Conversations worth having are those that add value through appreciative questions and dialogue. They are meaningful and engaging. They increase the mutual pie of knowledge and understanding. They are strengths-based and productive. They are conversations that increase our energy, enhance our connections with others, improve collaboration and problem-solving, and make us feel valued, even loved.

Appropriately, this book is filled with stories and case studies, narratives of possibility, affirmation, and positive shifts. These stories not only illustrate and highlight the potential of Appreciative Inquiry in different situations, but they also provide inspiration for the new practitioner, the struggling individual, or the curious leader who might want more of the good stuff to move into a more positive future with others.

Conversation

Overall, this book brings illuminates two key practices that allow you to “consistently turn any conversation into a conversation worth having,” and five principles to guide your successful practice. Honestly, these are techniques and principles that anyone can follow, regardless of your experience or expertise with Positive Psychology or Appreciative Inquiry. For those who are deeply familiar with Appreciative Inquiry (beyond the basic 4-D model of holding a summit), there will be some great overlaps here that you will enjoy.

Close to Home

Reading through this book, refreshing my understanding of Appreciative Inquiry, and taking it into the world of dyadic interpersonal conversations made me reflect on an upcoming “difficult conversation” that I need to have with a family member, namely, my teenage son. There are several things that we need to “discuss,” and I won’t bore the reader by listing them here, but needless to say, they are important, and this is definitely a conversation worth having.

Conversation

This book reminds me that I need to have a positive frame to start with, and I need to reflect on the meaning I am bringing to this interaction. I need to hold my viewpoint lightly (which is oh so hard!) and I should choose my words carefully to allow for new meaning and understanding. I know from my own failures in the past, that this is where I often stumble. As the parent, with a definite idea of what my son should be doing (basically the opposite of what he is doing right now), I’ve bashed my head against this brick wall before.

Right now, one of the biggest obstacles I am facing is that I am expecting negative outcomes, especially as I have crashed and burned on similar conversations before. It is important that I change my mindset to one that is anticipatory and opportunity-focused. I have choices here, and even if my son doesn’t follow my lead, I can at least set the example and perhaps the next conversation will be a better one with eventual mutually positive outcomes. Wish me luck!

Here’s to many more conversations worth having!

References

Stravos, J. & Torres, C. (2018). Conversations Worth Having: Using Appreciative Inquiry to Fuel Productive and Meaningful Engagement. San Francisco: Berrett Kohler.

Photo credits

Conversation photo by Etienne Boulanger on Unsplash
Canyonlands conversation photo by Natalie Acheatel on Unsplash

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AllAweBook AnnouncementBook ReviewOverall view of Pos PsychTaking Action

Mud and Dreams (Book Review)

by Aren Cohen
written by Aren Cohen

Sean Doyle

For those of us in the Positive Psychology community who know John Sean Doyle, his new book is a welcome reminder of our friend’s wisdom and abiding curiosity in all the textures and nuances of being human. For those who don’t know Sean, there is no better introduction to his wisdom than this deeply meaningful and heartfelt offering of exploration and gratitude. Indeed, David Pollay’s description of Sean as “the poetic voice of Positive Psychology” makes good sense. Sean’s imaginative, astute prose draws a reader into revelations about the importance and abundance of common, shared experience. Details differ, but the lived experience of humanity is universal. Choosing to live an examined life is up to us, but Mud and Dreams: Essays on falling more deeply in love with life presents readers with well-crafted essays providing magnificently framed vistas to help us recognize the truths of how and why life is worth living, even in the face of adversity.

Mud and Dreams offers a generous and extended invitation to explore. As Doyle states, “We are our stories, no doubt. But we are so much more, too” (p. 27). As he shares his stories and subsequent reflections, Doyle’s insight shines forth from the page. As a reader, there is ample opportunity to bask in the warmth of Doyle’s words. They welcome us in with space to stretch out, look around, and investigate. In fact, each essay serves as a mini-meditation on some aspect of a life well-lived. Topics as wide ranging as the responsibilities of daily life, the contrasts between joy and pain, the bliss of love and the grief of trauma, the importance of resilience, and how to play with both the novel and the familiar, all deserve examination if we are to find meaning in the lives we live. Doyle leaves no stone unturned. He becomes our Virgil as we, like Dante, embark on a journey for meaning within the “divine comedy” of life.

Mud and Dreams escapes sounding like preaching precisely because Doyle requires readers to engage actively. Each chapter’s meditative offering can be revisited again and again. With each reading, new stories, new truths, new revelations arise, and that is one of Doyle’s key points.

Life is iterative

Life is iterative: the more we stay the same, the more we change. With each introspective journey, we learn new approaches to live in the world and to recognize love even in the face of constant imperfection. The Reader’s Guide at the end of the book is a testament to the author’s belief in hope and the goodness of the world. While some readers may enjoy distilling their own messages each time they read, those looking for a more formal approach to the large questions tackled by the essays will find that Doyle has given them a structured framework to connect personal experiences with big ideas.

Book of courage and heart

Mud and Dreams was written with courage and heart, and it asks its readers to respond in kind. It is book everyone, not just students of positive psychology, their friends, and family, should have in their library. It is a read to be savored completely and often. In this day and age, it is a welcome reminder that not only are we “hybrid creatures, both mud and dreams” (p. 72), but that our dual nature is something to celebrate and rejoice in, as it is our very gift of humanity that lets us fall deeply in love with life and all it has to offer.

 

References

Doyle, J. S. (2018). Mud and Dreams: Essays on falling more deeply in love with life.. Rainstick Publishers.

Doyle, J. S. (ongoing). Human moments blog.

Doyle, J. S. (2018). Happiness field manual: Practical things you can do today to make your life less stressful, more meaningful, & happier.

Maymin, S. & Doyle, J. S. (November, 2018). Interview about Mud and Dreams. Positive Psychology News.

 

 

Image Credits
John Sean Doyle, from his About page
Spiral Staircase Photo by Michael Jasmund on Unsplash
Book of courage and heart Photo by Hush Naidoo on Unsplash

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AllBook ReviewParenting & Schools

The Primary and Secondary Behaviour Cookbooks (Book Review)

by Denise Quinlan
written by Denise Quinlan

Two students hard at work

In 2018, Dr. Sue Roffey published two cookbooks for managing behavior in schools: The Primary Behaviour Cookbook: Strategies at your Fingertips and The Secondary Behaviour Cookbook: Strategies at Your Fingertips.

Reading these two books, one has the clear sense of receiving advice from someone who has been there, understands the challenges facing teachers, and has useful, practical advice to offer. Teachers will pick up these books for the 1-2 page strategies to deal with specific issues they encounter, but they will stay for the long-term guidance on building effective classroom relationships and behavior management.

Dr Roffey provides strategies to deal with a wide range problem situations or behaviors grouped under the following topics:

  • Getting things done (e.g. when students are struggling to settle/start/finish/focus)
  • Dealing with disruption (from humming and fidgeting to over-the-top behavior)
  • Social interactions (from dominant behavior to lying, stealing, cheating, and blaming others)
  • Coping with conflict (in the Secondary level book only; from verbal and non-verbal rudeness and ignoring staff requests to bullying, intimidation, and violence)
  • Emotional distress (from outbursts of anger, aggression, or crying to anxiety and depression)
  • Behaviors of special concern (e.g. eating difficulties, sexualized behavior, self-harm, suicidality)

High school classroom

Although each topic is covered in only two pages, these are not quick fixes. For each specific situation, teachers are coached through a series of questions to develop their understanding and perspective of the situation, offered immediate suggestions to try in the classroom, and then provided with ideas for longer-term change. Here are some typical questions and strategies for each category:

  • Understanding the behavior, including context, awareness, ability level, triggers, physical issues, or home influences. For example, when does the behavior happen? How often? When doesn’t it happen? When did it start? Are there any patterns that could help you understand this behavior?
  • Strategies to implement today, including how to calm the teacher and maintain perspective on the behavior, requests for the student, phrasing to connect with students or lighten the situation, and options for one-on-one discussion after class.
  • Longer-term changes to consider, including options for the student to deal with the behavior, options for the teacher to connect with families of students involved, and strategies to modify the classroom climate.

Dr Roffey brings all of her considerable experience to these practical and powerful toolkits for classroom teachers. Her practical experience as a classroom teacher of students with special education needs, and subsequent work as an education psychologist and socio-emotional learning program developer and trainer enables her to produce resources that speak directly to the challenges faced by classroom teachers.

Classroom teacher

If these books contained only these recipes, they would already earn a place on a teacher’s desk, but they provide much more. They provide a concise guide to managing classroom behavior and developing a positive school climate. Extending the cooking metaphor, Dr Roffey provides a chapter on ‘the oven’ (the emotional climate of the classroom) and another on the essential ingredients every teacher needs, that is, proactive strategies that build positive teacher-student relationships. This includes advice on building positive student-teacher relationships, having high expectations and clear communication, fostering a sense of belonging, using strengths-based language, maintaining positivity in relationships and the classroom, looking after teacher well-being, and working with the full team involved in a student’s education, including their families and caregivers.

Dr Roffey believes it’s high time that teachers stop managing student behavior with a behaviorist model based on sanctions and rewards that has proven ineffective in practice. In its place, she recommends that teachers adopt a relationship-based approach to behavior management. As part of that approach she encourages teachers to be enthusiastic about their teaching, to stay calm and quiet in a crisis, and to have a laugh with their students. Humor in the classroom helps.
 

 
References

Roffey, S. (2018). The Primary Behaviour Cookbook: Strategies at your Fingertips. Routledge.

Roffey, S. (2018). The Secondary Behaviour Cookbook: Strategies at Your Fingertips. Routledge.

Image Credits
Two students in an elementary classroom photo by Santi Vedrí on Unsplash
High school classroom Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash
Classroom teacher courtesy of NCSSMphotos from Flickr via Compfight with Creative Commons license.

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Short Cuts to Happiness: Life-changing lessons from my barber (Book Review).

by Lisa Buksbaum
written by Lisa Buksbaum

What could be better than enjoying a cup of coffee and conversation with Tal Ben Shahar, the humble and brilliant international happiness expert? Something even more delightful is having the opportunity to climb up into the barber chair to take part in forty life-affirming conversations between Tal and Avi Peretz, his trusted barber for twenty years.

Tal in the Barber Chair

French philosopher Voltaire quipped “common sense is not so common.” Wise men and women know that their hairstylist does more than simply give them a perfect coiffure, coloring, or trim. The right stylist or barber acts as a trusted confidant, advisor and friend. Tal’s latest book recounts a two-year ambling conversation that he secretly transcribed after each memorable visit to Avi’s salon.

Avi is a generous person who exemplifies Chris Peterson’s adage, “Other people matter.” Each day customers eagerly congregate in Avi’s neighborhood salon nestled on a quiet street in Ramat Hasharon, a small suburb of Tel-Aviv. The consummate host, Avi has considered every sensory detail to make time in his shop truly relaxing and remarkable. Upon entering, customers experience a beautiful fragrant floral arrangement, while listening to a luscious play list of Brazilian jazz and pop songs. Good coffee flows freely, accompanied by juicy peaches or sweet grapes that Avi found in the next door market earlier that morning. The conversation is animated as everyone patiently waits for the highlight of their visit: Avi’s life-changing, common-sense conversations when it is their turns to sit in his barber chair.

In the Safe Harbor

A Safe Harbor

Avi envisions his salon as a safe harbor, a warm and welcome refuge for him and his customers. “No matter how chaotic or wild things get, this place is always there, lighting the way back to a stable shore. We all need a lighthouse in our life.”

Tal likens Avi and his shop to 20th Century psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott’s observation that children playing in a certain radius of their mothers displayed higher creativity in their games than children who played further away. This “circle of creativity of sorts is a space in which children can take risks and try things out, fall down and stand up again, fail and succeed, because they feel secure and safe in the proximity of a person who loves them unconditionally.”

Choose by Click

Living in New York City, many people go to swanky salons that charge upwards of $250 or $400 for esoteric treatments but I’ve always chosen my hairstylist based on whether we click. Sure, my stylist has to be skilled with the scissors and blow drier but I’m searching for a soul connection.

Lisa and her hair stylist,
Eddie Bangiyev at Le Posh Salon in Manhattan

According to Tal,

“We go to the hair salon or barber shop in search of some kind of change. We ask for anything from a minor trim to a major cut, a barely perceptible highlight to a transformational new color. Many of us, however, secretly or openly desire to go beyond external change, beyond altering the way or head looks from the outside. What we truly seek is internal change, – anything from a trim to a transformation of that which goes on inside our head.”

Tal likens Avi to Carl Rogers, considered the father of client-centered therapy. Rogers claimed that “empathetic understanding – simply the ability to be there for the other person is the key to the therapeutic process.” Each chapter conveys another Avi and Tal interaction in which Avi, once again, bestows the most fitting story or asks the right question. Exchanges with Avi provide insight or encouragement to take the next right action.

Life Changes

One morning Tal entered the salon to discover a cluster of women talking under four enormous bee-hive blow-driers that created a thunderous drone. Avi strolled over to Tal, gave him a big hug, and invited him to come back in a few hours when the shop would be quieter. Before Tal walked away, Avi handed him his cell and said, “Read this before you go. Every day my friend texts me some words to reflect upon. Here’s what he sent me today:”

Life changes,
And when life changes the rules change,
And when the rules change we need to write
a new rule book.
Today, be mindful. Maybe your life has
changed, and only you haven’t?”

Sometimes we can be transformed just from a simple statement from a trusted friend.

Tal Ben-Shahar,
credit Judy Rand

Takeaway

Tal posits,

“Just as we go to the gym to strengthen our physical muscles, we go to our hair salon to strengthen our slowness muscles. In this way we can savor more of the beauty that lies within and without.”

This reminds me of the soaring words of Anais Nin: “What lies behind us and what lies in front of us are simple matters compared to what lies within us.”

Read this book to hang out with two radiant, loving master teachers who will connect you to your inner wisdom and joy.
 

 

References

Ben-Shahar, T. (2018). Short Cuts to Happiness: Life-Changing Lessons from My Barber. The Experiment Publishing Company.

Ackerman, C. (2017). Client-centered therapy + Carl Rogers’ #1 person-centered technique. Positive Psychology Program.

Winnicott, D. W. (1971). Playing and Reality.. Routledge Classics, Volume 86.

Image Credits:
Pictures of Tal Ben-Shahar and Avi Peretz used with permission from The Experiment publishers.
Picture of Lisa and her hair dresser, Eddie Bangiyev, at Le Posh Salon in Manhattan, used with permission from Lisa Buksbaum.

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AllBook ReviewChangeHealthRelationshipsTaking Action

I Invite You to American Snake Pit

by Kathryn Britton
written by Kathryn Britton

 

Daniel Tomasulo is a master story teller. He is also a man with an important purpose.

In his new book released TODAY (May 1, 2018), American Snake Pit, the purpose is to open the eyes of his readers to the humanity of people with intellectual and psychiatric disabilities. I think reading this book can make our moral circles a little bit larger.

As he points out in his preface:

What I learned from [Richie] and from the people I have worked with is that, in spite of enormous intellectual and psychiatric disabilities, these individuals are not very different from you and me. They crave love; need affection, compassion, and kindness; get hurt when they feel left out; are in need of guidance; want meaningful relationships; get angry when they are betrayed or can’t get their needs met; and are generally as confused and uncertain about their course in life as the rest of us.

This book is a story of a real adventure, the establishment of a group home for people who had previously been warehoused in the institutional setting described by Robert F. Kennedy after a surprise visit,

“I think that particularly at Willowbrook, we have a situation that borders on a snake pit… living in filth and dirt, their clothing in rags, in rooms less comfortable and cheerful than the cages in which we put animals in a zoo.”

Dan reading aloud from his book

Following Kennedy’s visit and a news series by Geraldo Rivera, mental health treatment started being considered a civil right, but the transition away from mass institutionalization was neither easy nor smooth. Just releasing people from the institutions didn’t work. Homelessness, joblessness, and crime all went up. They needed places to go. By 1979, the easiest people to place in viable community homes and training programs had already been moved out years earlier. The people remaining needed many services to function outside the hospital.

Enter Tomasulo, in the last year of his doctoral program in psychology. He was flat broke and looking for a job. To hold body and soul together, he applied to manage one of the new group homes, Walden House, just being set up in small town. He got the job probably because of his answer to a question in the group interview:

“What if you found two residents kissing in one of their bedrooms?”
“If it was clear that neither of them were being coerced, I’d apologize and close the door.”

The stories in this book are real, though names and locations are changed to protect privacy. We are invited along to experience the challenges and adventures of residents and employees of Walden House.

Group Home = Home with Group Living in It

In the stories, we get to know people with odd behaviors, and slowly learn why those odd behaviors make sense, given what people are able to do and what they experienced before. Getting to know Sophia, Candy, Mike, Albert, Harold, Taimi, and the rest of the characters on the pages of this book has been as beguiling as reading my favorite novels.

We learn about relationships that grow among the residents, among staff and residents, and among staff. From initial discomfort, I found myself starting to love these people, to feel pity for their pasts, and to care how their futures would unfold.

There are many, many challenges, enough that chapters often end with cliff-hangers. Will they find enough people to staff the house? Can they get someone with catatonia to eat? What to do with someone who can’t speak and gets incredibly frustrated – and violent – when she can’t make herself understood? What happens when Benny keeps trying to see his father, especially after hearing the words, “Well, Benny, your father is in heaven now,” from the parish priest?

Then there’s the fire drill test. The mayor, a dead ringer for Danny DeVito in Taxi, doesn’t want this kind of house in his community. He colludes with his brother-in-law, the fire chief, to declare that Walden House must show they can get everybody out of the building in two minutes, or it closes down. Will they pass the fire drill? Then what happens when a real fire occurs?

Dan, closer to the time of the story

Tomasulo knows how to tell a story. For a sample, check out an earlier version of the Hot Dogs chapter, which we published here and included in the chapter on Perspective in Character Strengths Matter. He laces his observations with humor, and he helps us see heroes in unexpected places.

After reading this book, you’ll face the world a little bit differently. If you’re walking down the street and feel your eyes start to slide away from someone that looks a bit weird, maybe you’ll remember to think, “He’s human too.” Maybe your eyes will connect.

Note: Daniel Tomasulo went on to become a New Jersey licensed counseling psychologist frequently working with people with combined intellectual and psychiatric disabilities. He co-authored the book, Healing Trauma: The Power of Group Treatment for People with Intellectual Disabilities. Besides studying positive psychology, he specializes in psychodrama. He is also very good at making people laugh.

 

 
References

Tomasulo, D. (2018). American Snake Pit: Hope, Grit, and Resilience in the Wake of Willowbrook. Stillhouse Press.

The screen play of American Snake Pit has received over 20 awards at international film festivals since June 2017.

Tomasulo, D. (2014). Perspective: Giving Up When You Can’t Cut the Mustard. Positive Psychology News.

Razza, N. & Tomasulo, D. (2004). Healing Trauma: The Power of Group Treatment for People With Intellectual Disabilities. American Psychological Association.

Laham, S. M. (2009). Expanding the moral circle: Inclusion and exclusion mindsets and the circle of moral regard. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 45(2), 25—253. Abstract.

Lombrozo, T. (2016). Expanding the circle of moral concern. NPR Opinion.

Polly, S. & Britton, K. H. (Eds.) (2015). Character Strengths Matter: How to Live a Full Life (Positive Psychology News). Positive Psychology News.

Photo Credit: Flickr via Compfight with Creative Commons License
Group Home courtesy of Onasill ~ Bill Badzo

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AllBook ReviewBusinessRelationshipsTaking Action

Positive Professionals (Book Review)

by Lisa Sansom
written by Lisa Sansom

California Supreme Court

Everyone knows about law firms, right? All you have to do is turn on the TV to one of the many shows ostensibly taking place in a high-powered, fast-paced, glamorous law firm and you can tell that all the men are powerful, all the women are beautiful, and everyone loves their meaningful profession. They drive luxury cars, wear designer threads, and have intense love lives. Oh, and they work long hours in their glassed-walled offices in some chic downtown that has a great night life.

So… TV might not be the best place to learn about what life is really like inside a law firm, although many lawyers do work punishingly long hours, and the intense pressure is very real: depending on your field of practice, lives and huge amounts of money can be on the line. The intensity starts on the first day of law school, when you start competing for attention, awards, and positions to take you to partnership track. No wonder so many lawyers turn to alcohol and drugs, become depressed, or burn out.

Anne Brafford

What can be done to prevent burnout?

Enter Anne Brafford. Anne left her equity partner position in order to focus on what it takes to thrive in the legal profession. She has put her findings into Positive Professionals, a book published by the ABA Law Practice Division. Although her primary focus is law, there are tidbits of wisdom in this research-based book for just about anyone who works in an organization where the stress mounts as people feel pressure to perform at ever-higher levels.

Brafford neatly takes her readers through definitions of workplace engagement, tying it to the creation of meaningful work. I really liked her section on “Change the Channel from Money to Meaning” where she acknowledges that law firms do need to turn a profit, but then explores how focusing employees on money as a final goal can increase selfishness and decrease engagement, compassion, and collaboration.

 

Positive Professionals is also peppered with humor with Brafford’s “Skeptic Alarm” – a little cartoon balloon with a cynical expression that calls out what readers may be thinking. For example, with the section on money and meaning, Brafford takes a pause to address that “lawyers work hard and want to be paid well” and that this is entirely acceptable, but not at the cost of burnout. This realistic tone was refreshing.

Engagement Narratives

Positive psychology practitioners will enjoy the many references to research on topics such as self-determination theory, positive emotions, and resilience. What Brafford does so well is make this research applicable to the busy world of legal firms in meaningful ways, through what she calls engagement narratives. She illustrates, for example, how meaningful it can be to prioritize client care. She also shows how to create a purpose-driven firm that includes profit.

Members of the VA State Bar

In the third part of Brafford’s book, she provides strategies that can bring these different engagement narratives to life, illustrating them with different types of law firms and different levels of legal practitioners. Non-legal professionals may find some of the legal terminology unfamiliar, but the situations and stresses will likely resonate with most readers.

My Favorite Engagement Narrative

Of the six different engagement narratives, my favorite was “I’m growing and capable.” In this narrative, Brafford draws on the research behind what it takes to develop mastery, and how to build skills and confidence. Importantly, she addresses the need for psychological safety, which is not always easy to come by in professional environments, where people may feel criticized endlessly and unwilling to make a mistake for fear of reprisals.

Law library

Dweck’s growth mindset makes a star appearance here as well, and with the ever-changing legal and technological landscape, one would hope that lawyers and other professionals are open to growing and changing and learning. This is especially important when it comes to creating more well-being for lawyers, reducing the burnout rate, and increasing engagement for the benefit of their clients.

Summary
As an organizational development consultant and a leadership coach, I learned a lot from Brafford’s book, not just about the culture in law firms, but also about how professional organizations can directly apply the research of positive psychology to create better places to work for all employees. These businesses can do well financially by doing well at increasing well-being for their people. These two goals are not mutually exclusive. All it takes is a little knowledge, attention, and willingness to try something new.

 

 
References

Brafford, A. (2017). Positive Professionals: Creating High-Performing Profitable Firms Through the Science of Engagement. American Bar Association.

Dweck, C. (2007). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. New York: Ballantine Books.

Image Credits from Flickr via Compfight with Creative Commons licenses
California Supreme Court courtesy of Shawn Calhoun
Skeptic? courtesy of fakesalt
Members of the VA State Bar courtesy of vsbphotos
Law library, Iowa state capital courtesy of akahawkeyefan

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AllBook ReviewParenting & SchoolsRelationshipsStrengths

Understanding Your Children’s Strengths

by Lisa Buksbaum
written by Lisa Buksbaum

Yesterday I introduced The Strengths Switch by Dr. Lea Waters. Today I want to highlight the distinctions she makes among different kinds of strengths, learned behaviors, and weaknesses. People can become very proficient at learned behaviors, but without the energy and enjoyment associated with strengths. To understand the differences, let’s look at three dimensions for evaluating possible strengths:

  • Performance: being good at something. Watch for times when your children show above-age levels of achievement, rapid learning, and repeated patterns of success.
  • Energy: feeling good while doing it. Strengths are self-reinforcing. The more we use them, the more energized we become.
  • High use: choosing to do it. Watch for what your children choose to do in their spare time, how often they engage in these activities, how they speak about these activities.

Different Kinds of Strengths

Using these dimensions helps parents distinguish among different kinds of strengths, as shown in the figure below.

Take a closer look at strengths

Core Strengths are our go-to strengths. They fuel high levels of performance and energy and use.

Think about your child. Imagine her without one of her core strengths. For example, my son Jonathan is social. It is impossible to imagine Jonathan being himself without his sense of humor or loyalty to his friends. My son Josh is empathetic and kind. It’s impossible to imagine Josh without thinking of his thoughtfulness. What are the core strengths that are the essence of your children? What are the core strengths that make you the person you have become?

Growth Strengths energize us and offer the potential for good performance, but use is typically low to medium. You may see only glimpses of them, but they can shine if they are developed. You may notice that when your child is using a growth strength she is energized and showing early signs of good performance. According to Dr. Waters, these strengths are fascinating because they don’t initially look like strengths, but they can blossom quickly once they are discovered.

Learning about strengths at Independent School 528

You can encourage your child to use her growth strengths by:

  • Noticing the strength she’s drawing upon
  • Pointing out how her performance is improving
  • Letting her know you see the positive energy she’s exuding when she’s using the strength
  • Offering low pressure opportunities to use that strength
  • Praising her when she chooses to use it on her own accord

Learned Behaviors need to be taught, often to meet requirements of parents or school. Therefore, motivation to perform learned behaviors comes from the desire to please others, operate successfully in the world, or to gain external rewards. They are not intrinsically motivating. Your child can excel in these areas, but they do not give energy.

But What About Weaknesses?

Weaknesses also exist. Weaknesses are features that are disadvantages or flaws that prevent us from being effective at something. We can be weak in certain skills, abilities, talents, or character traits. We all have weaknesses. When my sons were young, I always showed them when I made a mistake in order to model the fact that no one is perfect and that it’s okay to not be great at everything. Today my husband and I often reach out to them for technical support when we reach the limits of our ability to deal with the machines in our home.

Dr. Waters stresses that strength-based parenting doesn’t mean ignoring your child’s weaknesses, but it does allow you to approach them from a healthier and more productive perspective. When the focus is first and foremost on strengths, everyone can be more genuine and less defensive when communicating about weaknesses. Three essential messages to give your child about weaknesses:

  • Just as everyone has strengths, everyone has weaknesses.
  • Having weaknesses doesn’t mean you’re unworthy.
  • Avoid the trap of spending too much time focusing on your weaknesses.

Practice, Practice, Practice

Each day you have the opportunity to practice strengths-based parenting. You will learn from your progress, and you’ll constantly be given new real-life opportunities to become a master electrician, flipping the switch.

Go to the Strength Switch website for free resources, a blog reflecting on putting the strengths switch into action, and information about the 5-week online course.

Lea was the emcee for the Soaringwords Opening night celebration at the
Canadian Positive Psychology Conference in 2015 at Niagara on the Lake.
Here she is in the middle of the dancers.

 

 
References

Waters, L. (2017). The Strength Switch: How The New Science of Strength-Based Parenting Can Help Your Child and Your Teen to Flourish. New York: Avery.

Waters, L. (2018, Jan. 2). Working with Weakness: 3 Ways to Effectively Confront Your Child’s Weak Spots. Lea Waters’ blog.

Waters, L. (2018, Jan. 16). 4 Ways to Put Strength-Based Discipline into Practice. Lea Waters’ blog. Includes a discussion of dialing up or dialing down strengths.

The picture of core strengths, growth strengths, learned behaviors, and weaknesses is used courtesy of Dr. Lea Waters.
The other images were provided by SoaringWords.

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AllBook ReviewParenting & SchoolsStrengths

The Strength Switch: Practice Acting on Your Child’s Strengths (Book Review)

by Lisa Buksbaum
written by Lisa Buksbaum

The Strength Switch: How The New Science of Strength-Based Parenting Can Help Your Child and Your Teen to Flourish by Dr. Lea Waters, PhD, Professor and Founding Director of Positive Psychology Centre at the University of Melbourne.

What if you could make a small shift in your parenting style that would yield enormous results for your child… and for you?

If you’re like most people, you want to raise emotionally and intellectually healthy children. But today there’s so much pressure to have our children and grandchildren excel in EVERY aspect of their tender lives.

Dr. Lea Waters

Thanks to the miracle of modern technology, parents can post every trophy and accomplishment on social media. Today’s children are the most documented generation of all time. Being bombarded with daily photo and video montages showcasing the accolades and adventures of other peoples’ seemingly perfect children tends to accentuate the tendency to focus on what’s wrong with our children and then try to fix it.

Lea Water’s break-through strength-based parenting approach changes that around. First it helps you see what is right about your children. Then it helps you nurture and cultivate their innate strengths and talents.

Sounds great. How do I do this?

Start with observation. If your daughter is really interested in music and loves to sing along with every song on the radio, perhaps you want to encourage her to join a chorus at her school, pick up an instrument, or start writing her own lyrics. If your son is likes to read more than he enjoys playing sports, perhaps you want to introduce him to some age-appropriate book series that pique his interests instead of pushing him to compete in sports that he does not enjoy.

Thus the strength-based parenting approach involves two simple steps: First see your child’s strengths. Then build upon them.

Dr. Waters notes three strength-based parenting styles:

    Parents love to share strengths

  • Strengths Communicators: Parents who naturally use conversation with their kids to highlight strengths and talk about opportunities to use strengths for better outcomes.
  • Strengths Activators: Parents who coach their children to practice their strengths when hands-on opportunities arise.
  • Strengths Creators: Parents who are big-picture thinkers that can strategically create strengths-based opportunities for their kids.

Parents tend to use a blend of all three approaches with a dominant style based on the parent’s own strengths. To find your own dominant style, take the Strengths-Parenting Style Survey as part of Dr. Water’s online strength-based parenting course.

Use the Strengths Switch to Short-circuit Negative Thoughts

At the end of the day, chances are, your energy is depleted from hours of work, significant responsibilities, and caring for your children. When you’re hungry, angry, and tired it’s easy to become irritable. Dr. Waters offers the strength switch as a simple but powerful tool to help you shift from focusing on your children’s weaknesses to focusing on their strengths. The strength switch acts like a circuit breaker, which is defined by Wikipedia as an automatically operated electrical switch designed to protect an electrical circuit from damage caused by excess current that typically results from an overload or short circuit. The circuit breaker interrupts current flow after a fault is detected.

Most of us can appreciate how negative thoughts and emotions can short-circuit our sense of balance. So thinking about this metaphor sounds good on paper, but how do you practice strength-based parenting in the moment when negative emotions start to overwhelm? Dr. Waters has a step-by-step guide for the strength switch briefly summarized here:

    Where was the bike left out?

  • Observe your child’s action. For now, let’s assume your child did not put his bicycle away. It’s blocking the front door of your apartment so you have to move it in order to get inside your home.
  • Take a nanosecond to remember that just because you aren’t seeing your child’s strengths in that moment, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t there.
  • Pause for a moment: be mindful when the knee-jerk negative default feelings and thoughts start to take over. Taking a pause helps you get between your thoughts and feelings and a negative reaction.
  • Take a couple of deep breaths. Each time you breath out, you reduce stress hormones and calm your body.
  • Insert the thought, “The strengths are here, but they’re hiding. Let me switch over to find them.”
  • Take a few minutes to allow yourself to settle down. Perhaps you want to hang up your coat, or change out of your work clothes. Maybe you want to listen to your favorite song before speaking to your son.
  • Say what you mean, but not in a way that is mean. Children, especially very young ones, cannot distinguish subtle emotions such as irony or sarcasm. It’s best to say what you want in a neutral and loving way, not letting anger or frustration seep into your voice.

    Say something such as, “I see that you cleaned your room and made your bed this morning before you went to school. That’s great. I had a bit of trouble getting into the house today when I got home because your bike was blocking the door. When you come home from school tomorrow, I’d like you to remember to park your bike on the side of the house.

When we activate the strength switch, it can produce radically different results. Flipping the switch, we experience a sense of control by actively choosing where to put our selective attention. Where attention goes, energy flows. Imagine how liberating it is to choose to focus on the positive instead of harping on the negatives. Reinforcing your child’s strengths gives you both a powerful foundation of good will and trust. This fertile ground is a much better place to address areas that need fine-tuning.

Sharing smiles and encouragement, even in the midst of medical challenges

Practice the Strength Switch

Think of a situation from the past couple of weeks where your negative feelings escalated and you lost your cool with your child, causing both of you to feel crummy about the situation. In a couple of sentences write down what happened simply re-telling the facts.

Now close your eyes and breathe out and re-imagine the scene. See yourself taking a pause, and see yourself remembering that your child has strengths, even though you temporarily are focusing on something that is out of balance. Now, write down a new ending to this story where you flipped the strength switch and approached the situation from a place of love and patience, recognizing the good in the child before addressing the situation that needs an adjustment.

Reread your notes. See how taking a few moments to recalibrate your thoughts, feelings, and actions can make an enormous difference in the outcome: Happier parent. Happier child, motivated to remember to use her strengths in the future.

Come back tomorrow to explore the distinction Dr. Waters makes between strengths and learned behaviors.

 

 

References

Waters, L. (2017). The Strength Switch: How The New Science of Strength-Based Parenting Can Help Your Child and Your Teen to Flourish. New York: Avery.

Waters, L. Strengths Switch: Glossary of Strengths Terms.

Waters, L. Strengths Games.

Photo Credits:
Picture of Dr. Lea Waters from the Lea Waters site.
Bike left out courtesy of nicolasschabram from Flickr via Compfight with Creative Commons license
The other two images are shared courtesy of SoaringWords.

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AllBook ReviewHabitsHappiness ExercisesHome and FamilyRelationshipsStrengths

Practicing Happy Together can be a SNAP for Aristotelian Lovers

by Lisa Buksbaum
written by Lisa Buksbaum

If you’re like most people who are interested in deepening your relationships, then you probably ordered your copy of Happy Together published yesterday (Jan. 16, 2018) to coincide with the 8th anniversary of authors, Suzann and James Pawelski, a positive psychology power couple.

Today I want to highlight two compelling Happy Together concepts that can help you cultivate stronger and happier relationships.

SNAP! Practice, Practice, Practice!

Developing good habits in our relationships is like building any other good habits: it takes regular practice. James Pawelski’s hero is the philosopher William James, someone we could all consider a positive psychology pioneer. Reinforcing the message that good habits are a foundation for strong, positive relationships, James Pawelski uses the acronym, SNAP, to help us remember the four rules stated by William James for cultivating good habits:

  • Start strong. The more highly motivated we are to start a new habit, the more likely we are to be successful. One way to increase motivation is to make a public announcement of the habit we want to build. Calling for witnesses makes it easier for our friends to support us and harder for us to back down.
  • No exceptions. We may think that once we have acted in accordance with the new behavior for a few days, we can give ourselves a break, but this is likely to take us back to square one. Slips do happen, but if the general rule is no exceptions, it becomes easier to get back on track.
  • Always act. Whenever we have an urge to act in accordance with the new habit, we should follow that urge, no matter how annoying it may seem. This reminds us of the fundamental way that children learn by following the actions of their parents, not simply listening to their words.
  • Practice exercising the will. James suggests doing something hard every day, for no reason but that it is hard. Doing so, he says, can strengthen the will, making it ready for our use when we need it.

Forget Ann Landers. What Can Aristotle Teach Us About Building Love That Lasts?

Back in your school days, you probably learned about Aristotle, a towering figure in Greek philosophy and science, student of Plato, and teacher of Alexander the Great. Aristotle is another early contributor to positive psychology, contemplating questions such as “What makes people human?” “What makes life meaningful?” and “How can we enhance well-being within people and between people?”

Aristotle in the library

You have probably heard the term Platonic friendship used to describe a close relationship that is not sexual. Aristotle cultivated his own philosophy on friendship that James Pawelski calls Aristotelian Friendship based on the notion that the highest kind of friendship is one where people are drawn together by the recognition of the good in each other and the desire to support it. James used the idea of Aristotelian Friends (AF) in MAPP to encourage people to practice supporting each other as they grow and cultivate strengths. Aristotelian friends value the other person’s character and want to help it develop in healthy directions. The good that AFs see in the other person may also inspire them to want to become better themselves. In an Aristotelian friendship, each person is focused on the other person. AFs love each other for who they are, not just for the profit or pleasure they can get out of the relationship. Aristotle contends that friendship based on goodness is the truest kind, superior to the other two. Although Aristotelian friendships are not motivated by the quest for profit or pleasure, Aristotle noted that they often do turn out to be useful and pleasurable, as well as good.

After getting married, Suzie asked James a provocative question that elevated and transformed their marriage. “Why do Aristotle’s observations need to be limited to just friendships? What if we apply his philosophy to romantic relationships, as well? What if we see ourselves not just as lovers, but as Aristotelian lovers, focusing on appreciating the good in the other person and supporting each other’s growth and development?”

Being a wise philosopher and positive psychology practitioner, James embraced this idea wholeheartedly. (Spouses take note, when your partner makes a brilliant suggestion, follow their lead).

This concept of Aristotelian Lovers led Suzie and James to create Happy Together.

Loving gesture

Getting Started: Look at What You are Already Doing Well

There are so many small gestures to show love in a mature marriage. I like to tuck a card in my husband’s suitcase before he goes on a business trip, knowing he will discover the card and feel loved and supported. That creates positive emotion. When either one of us comes home from a business trip, there’s a large sign on the door with clever allusions to the destination city or conference woven into the message. We both use our character strengths of creativity and humor to make the signs. When we do something together, there’s a lot of mutual savoring before, during, and after.

Welcome back to the hive

At nighttime, before going to sleep, I make lunch for Jacob to bring to the office, not expecting something in return. When Jacob proofreads my blog posts or pulls articles from the Wall Street Journal that he knows I would want to read, he is not expecting to be paid back. On a deeper level, when I was mourning the death of my father, Jacob gave me plenty of room to experience my feelings. One way he showed steadfast support was to draw a warm bath and light a candle for me to relax each night after a long day.

Welcome home, Lisa

When we are with others of good character, it motivates us to improve our own character. Suzie and James Pawelski remind us of Jonathan Haidt’s wisdom about elevation, an “other-praising” emotion that causes “warm, open feelings in the chest” and inspires people to behave more virtuously themselves. When we are uplifted or elevated, our hearts are opened and our thoughts are more focused on others than on ourselves. We seek ways to make positive changes to enhance our relationships, and we experience moral growth and heightened positive emotions.

There are many many benefits from practicing being Happy Together.

 

 
References

Pawelski, S. P. & Pawelski, J. O. (2018). Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts. New York: TarcerPerigee.

Haidt, J. (2006). The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom. New York: Basic Books.



Photo Credits:
Suzie and James doing yoga together used with permission from Suzann Pileggi Pawelski.
Welcome back posters used with permission from Lisa Buksbaum

The following image is from Flickr via Compfight with Creative Commons licenses
Aristotle in the library courtesy of Rachel Sample
Loving gesture courtesy of Simon Cocks

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AllBook AnnouncementBook ReviewHome and FamilyPositive EmotionRelationshipsSavoring / In-the-MomentStrengths

Happy Together Relationship Workout (Book Review)

by Lisa Buksbaum
written by Lisa Buksbaum

RELEASED TODAY!
Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts
by Suzann Pileggi Pawelski & James O. Pawelski

In ancient times, people congregated around campfires, town-squares, and stages to be mesmerized by morality plays, fairy-tales, fables, and legends.

Stories by a campfire

These stories had captivating characters with exaggerated personalities so that the audience could easily distinguish between right and wrong. Many stories culminated with “Happily Ever After.”

Today, as sophisticated moderns, we know that happily-ever-after only happens in fairy tales. Or do we?

Consider the iconic line from the movie Jerry McGuire, when the lead character says to Dorothy, “You complete me.” This kind of Hollywood romance reinforces the perception that the lustful exuberance experienced during the “falling in love” stage of a relationship should last forever. Smiling picture-perfect couples and families on social platforms can make it appear that everyone else is enjoying fantastic relationships, 24/7.

Based on these powerful movie and social-media messages, it’s no wonder that our notions of romantic love might be skewed so that we believe that happily-ever-after is the norm, even if it is not our experience. That can lead people to feel that their own relationships are subpar.

Suzie and James Pawelski wedding day

Happy Together debunks flimsy notions of romantic love, showing that successful couples work on being happy together. Suzann Pileggi Pawelski and James O. Pawelski connect their own experiences to scientific research in order to demonstrate that becoming happy, apart or together, is an on-going process of cultivating healthy habits. It takes time.

Suzie is a journalist fascinated by the science that underpins human behavior. She serves as a well-being consultant specializing on the impact of happiness on relationships and health. James is a philosopher, professor, and cofounder of the Penn Master of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program with Martin Seligman. Suzie and James met at the MAPP program.

Who Can Benefit?

After Suzie wrote the cover story of the January 2010 issue of Scientific American Mind, The Happy Couple, the flurry of interest inspired the couple to create the Romance and Research™ workshops. The workshop debuted at the 2014 European Conference on Positive Psychology (ECPP) in Amsterdam.

Like hundreds attending that conference, I was packed in a standing-room-only crowd. From feedback afterward, the Pawelskis concluded that people gravitated to the topic for three different but all compelling reasons:

  • They have a rewarding loving relationship already. They want effective new ways to make the relationship even stronger
  • They feel stuck in their current relationships. They want ways to repair or rebuild positive relationships without having to start over with new partners.
  • They want to enter a romantic relationship. They want ways to make it happy, healthy, and fulfilling.

I’ve added a fourth group based on my experiences connecting with ill children and families for sixteen years.

  • They belong to families grappling with serious illness. Key relationships may be strained because so much attention is focused on medical challenges, whether their relationships were thriving or strained prior to the illness. They want ways to choose to focus on what is working well and to come together with love, compassion, and solidarity in order to make each day more bearable.

James and Suzann Pawelski

Whatever camp you fall into, reading Happy Together is like going to a relationship boot camp led by two skillful, funny, and authentic trainers.

Going to a Relationship Gym

Imagine reading a fitness magazine and expecting to lose four pounds simply by skimming the recommended exercise drills without doing any physical work. It’s just not going to happen, even in the movies!

The Pawelskis aptly use Relationship Gym as a metaphor to help readers realize that in order to enjoy a successful, happy relationship, both partners need to do the exercises in order to build strong love that lasts. Going to a single Pilates class is not going to make you fit overnight. It takes practice over time. Just so can you become stronger and more confident in your relationship repertoire.

I remember starting a Pilates class. I felt muscles in my abdomen, thighs, and calves that I did not know I had. Over the next few weeks the intricate moves became more familiar to me as my muscles got stronger and my confidence blossomed. In a few months, I had internalized the moves so that I was able to do the exercises at home without having my teacher shouting instructions. Relationship exercises can become second nature in a similar fashion.

Just as most gyms have more than one exercise machine to tone and build different parts of our bodies, the Happy Together Relationship Gym focuses on four areas to strengthen core components of our relationships.

  • Lisa on 3rd grade field trip

    Harmonious Passion: If you’ve ever really clicked with someone, a new teacher, friend, or romantic partner, then perhaps you’ve experienced the heady feeling of harmonious passion, overwhelmed with positive emotions that make your heart sing. I was inspired by Bertha Davidson, my third-grade teacher to feel this way about expressive arts. She arranged field trips to New York City from my elementary school in Fair Lawn, New Jersey. We visited art museums. We put on plays and wrote sketches. She taught us how to listen to classical and jazz music. This formative relationship sparked a life-long passion to create art, to dance, to sing, and to learn how to play the guitar. These are harmonious passions that I enjoy to this day.
     
    In my honeymoon years whenever I saw my husband Jacob walking up the block towards our apartment, my heart would flutter. That’s hormones combined with a bit of harmonious passion. All good. After thirty-two years, I still feel warm inside when we reunite at the end of the day. Robert Vallerand’s research shows that it’s important to cultivate harmonious passion. However obsessive passion can actually be damaging and worse than not having any passion at all.
  • Positive emotions have ongoing positive consequences in our lives, making us open up, like a plant stretching towards sunlight. Barbara Fredrickson calls this the Broaden and Build Theory: positive emotions broaden our sense of what is possible and build positive qualities. They cause good things to happen.
     
    Experiencing positive emotions together builds up a strong foundation of good will, understanding, and connection that helps successful relationships bounce back from misunderstanding, hurt feelings, or life’s inevitable setbacks. As relationships mature, it’s important to cultivate positive emotions in yourself and toward your partner so that you continue to experience joy and excitement together. The book has a hearty array of delectable positive emotions and a sampling menu of Happy Together exercises you can do to experience more positive emotions.

    • Lisa savors her wedding day

  • Savoring helps us make the most of positive emotions and good experiences. It’s so easy to take positive experiences for granted, enjoying them briefly and then getting on with our busy lives. Research on savoring shows us the value of intentionally opening ourselves as fully as we can to the positive moments while they are happening, of remembering positive moments from our past, and of anticipating positive moments in the future.
     
    Think about the best vacation you ever took: Did you take time to thoughtfully plan the trip? Do you remember how you enjoyed the time? I remember the dreamy smell of the salt-water spray as I walked along a turquoise ocean holding hands with my partner, the laughs as our children discovered sand crabs burrowing into the sand. They spent hours slinging them into brightly colored plastic pails. Have you found yourself smiling as you looked at photos from this holiday? Do you have a photo in a prominent place where you can enjoy looking at it? If you answer YES to any of these questions, then you know what it means to savor. The Pawelskis show you more ways to savor together.
  • Character is a key part of who we are and how we relate to others. Many books and articles talk about the importance of knowing and cultivating our own particular character strengths. The Pawelskis remind us that knowing the strengths of our loved ones and sharing our strengths with them can help us avoid some of the frictions and frustrations that tend to arise from differences in our personalities. Strengths awareness can help make the relationship itself greater than the sum of its parts.
     
    Recognizing, acknowledging, and celebrating strengths in action is a sure-fire way to avoid relationship burn-out. The best part is, it doesn’t cost anything. Once you build this habit into a relationship, it fuels harmonious passion, savoring, and oodles of positive emotions.

As the calendar bends towards Valentine’s Day, Happy Together is a wonderful book for you and the important people in your life. It provides a dazzling array of easy-to-implement exercises to keep your relationships strong and energetic. The Pawelskis demonstrate that relationships can also get better with age, like fine bottles of wine.

Speaking of aging well, the launch date of Happy Together (January 16) coincides with the Pawelskis’ eighth wedding anniversary. Mazel tov!

 

 
References

Pawelski, S. P. & Pawelski, J. O. (2018). Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts. New York: TarcerPerigee.

Happy Together book site. Includes Meet the Authors and Learn and Share with additional resources.

Pawelski, S. P. & Pawelski, J. O. (2018). Talking with Larry King about “Why the Grass Seems Greener”. Appears on the Happy Together channel on Psychology Today.

Pileggi, S. (2010). The happy couple. Scientific American Online.

Britton, K. H. (2011). What about passion? Positive Psychology News.

Britton, K. H. (2010). Two Bits of Wisdom about Long-Term Relationships. Positive Psychology News.

Bryant, F. & Veroff, J. (2007) Savoring: A new model of positive experience. Mahwah, New Jersey: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Fredrickson, B. L. (2013). Love 2.0: How Our Supreme Emotion Affects Everything We Feel, Think, Do, and Become. Hudson Street Press.

Polly, S. & Britton, K. H. (Eds.) (2015). Character Strengths Matter: How to Live a Full Life. Positive Psychology News.

Vallerand, R. (2015). The Psychology of Passion: A Dualistic Model (Series in Positive Psychology). Oxford University Press.

Photo Credits:
Wedding Photo of James and Suzann Pawelski used with permission of Baiada Photography © 2010
Pictures of James and Suzann Pawelski used with permission from the publisher.
Pictures of Lisa Buksbaum used with permission.
Via Flickr via Compfight with Creative Commons Licenses
Campfire storytelling courtesy of viajeacanada

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AllBook ReviewGratitudeStrengths

Pistons of Promise, Foundations of Gratitude

by Donald Officer
written by Donald Officer

Human beings are, by nature, forward-looking. We are built to be tuned to the future. Of course, attending to the immediate present is a large part of what we do, but much of our present activity is connected to a trajectory running into the future. – Andrew MacLeod, Prospection

Last July at the Fifth Biennial Congress of the International Positive Psychology Association (IPPA), founder Martin Seligman expressed his gratitude at being able to pioneer four game-changing ideas in the discipline: Learned Helplessness, Evolutionary Psychology, Positive Psychology, and Prospective Psychology.

Looking Toward the Future

Of these, the fourth has sparked his interest most recently. Moving from a recognized deficit (learned helplessness) through adaptation (evolution) to optimism (positive psychology) are necessary steps on the path to recognizing ourselves as successful beings. But what about looking forward to the future? Seligman is the lead author of the 2016 book, Homo Prospectus, a work of interdisciplinary collaboration about the human ability to assess what we face in the future. Authorship is shared with philosopher Peter Railton, leading willpower researcher Roy Baumeister, and brain mechanism scientist Chandra Sripada. Together, they identify four distinct ways of thinking that guide us to purposeful choice.

Remember Fast and Slow Thinking

You may have heard of the first two which came into public awareness over the past decade. In Thinking, Fast and Slow, Daniel Kahneman awakened non-academic readers to what we once assumed was routine decision-making. But we are not just guided by either reason or impulse. Some answers to our problems come reflexively, seemingly magically. That’s thinking fast. Reasoned decisions require focused systematic effort or at minimum, more time on inputs. We resort to this methodical approach when the magic doesn’t show up. That’s thinking slow.

Product of imagination

Two New Pistons for the Thought Engine

But prospection presents two more drivers of equal importance. You might ask, if we’ve got the two-stroke fast or slow model, why jump to four pistons? Because they’re there and very handy.

Piston number three is imagination: loosely structured or streamed, jumping ahead or gently meandering, it sponges up the 49% of our waking hours devoted to mental free play. Like sleep, imagination consolidates our thinking and recharges our neural circuitry. This free-form speculation also drives our brains forward, sometimes in leaps like the rapid-fire answers of practiced, long-term memory or the turnkey biological firmware of fast thinking.

Product of imagination 2

Piston number four, by contrast, is one we rely on more as we become better socialized. This last approach to thinking is a shared tool. We would exhaust ourselves in no time if we did not carry a bundle of quick access socially acquired templates in our brains. What if we had to reinvent all the most basic living procedures society provided us through instruction or by example? Of course, with this piston, as with the other three, there is also a downside that comes with overuse. Automatic reversion to social norms without reflection induces disengaged conformism which can stifle freedom, creativity, reason, and panoramic awareness.

Grateful for Balance
 
When you count your blessings, and see the spark of joy in others, you also see why balance matters in choosing among the four prospection styles. Which is the right one to employ in the moment? We tend to make less than perfect choices. We have blind spots. Intuitions or deliberations are as defective as memories, imaginary constructions, or cultural interpretations.

Fortunately, experience teaches. So does a gratitude mindset for the gift of wisdom and our appreciation of character strengths. Never discount the context-setting value of acknowledgement. Ask yourself, “What is the most generous, appreciative approach?” That’s usually the right one by all four prospective measures. Oh yes, be sure to acknowledge your own self worth while you’re at it!
 

 
References

Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, Fast and Slow. London, Allen Lane.

MacLeod, A. (2017). Prospection, well-being, and mental health. Oxford: Oxford University Press.

Seligman, M. E. P., Railton, P., Baumeister, R. F., & Sripada, C. (2016). Homo Prospectus. New York: Oxford University PRess..

Photo Credit: Flickr via Compfight with Creative Commons licenses

Piston in cuylinder courtesy of dmeyer302
Product of imagination 1 courtesy of Pulpolux !!!
Product of imagination 2 courtesy of Counselman Collection

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AllBook ReviewCourageTaking Action

The Power of Moments by Chip Heath and Dan Heath (Book Review)

by Kathryn Britton
written by Kathryn Britton

Idea – Stories – Structure – Research

What do you get when you mix together a compelling idea, numerous engaging stories, a clear structure, and a firm research grounding? You get a book that is made to stick and useful from the moment you pick it up.

That’s my assessment of the new book by Chip Heath and Dan Heath, The Power of Moments, released yesterday.  Let me go through these qualities one by one.

A Compelling Idea

“Flagship moments, the peaks, the pits, and the transitions” dominate our assessments of our biggest experiences.

Chip and Dan Heath take this idea a vital step further. With awareness of what contributes to the intensity of moments and what makes peaks as opposed to pits, they contend that we can intentionally enhance our own experiences and the experiences of those around us. No, let us take that further. We can intentionally enhance our own lives and the lives of those around us.

Moments matter, and moments can be shaped.

Engaging Stories

Best of all in The Power of Moments, there are stories. Lots of stories. My rough count is about 50. There are paragraph length stories and multi-page stories that recur multiple times. There are stories about outstanding service, such as the way a hotel handles a beloved stuffed toy left behind by a toddler. There are stories about moments that build bravery, such as the training undergone by young people preparing for the Civil Rights lunch counter protests. There are stories of medical practices being turned around by well-engineered moments that reminded participants of the deeply important purpose they share. The sources of the stories are listed in the end notes, so it is clear that Chip Heath and Dan Heath did a lot of work to find them.

A Clear Structure

When it comes to shaping moments, what levers do you have? The authors organize their observations into four categories including two or three actions for each category to help people increase peak moments.

  • Elevation: Build Peaks and Break the Script
     
  • Insight: Trip Over the Truth and Stretch for Insight
     
  • Pride: Recognize Others, Multiply Milestones, and Practice Courage
     
  • Connection: Create Shared Meaning and Deepen Ties
Let me illustrate with an example of a lever from the Practice Courage chapter. Many people believe that courage is something you either have or do not have. But the authors show that courage can be augmented by practicing the actions you need to take in a difficult moments. Soldiers and firemen do this in drills, preloading the responses they need in dangerous situations so that they can respond rapidly when those moments occur. Those of us leading less dangerous lives can also preload responses to the challenges we are likely to face. The authors introduce us to Giving Voice to Values, Mary Gentile’s approach to teaching ethics. She shifts the focus from “What is the right thing to do?” (which her students mostly knew already) to “How can I get the right thing done?” Students identify ethical situations that might arise in their jobs, script responses, and then practice the responses.  

Throughout the book, there are clinics, multi-page discussions of real world opportunities to use moment-building actions to solve real problems that might have analogies in your own world. I’ll list the clinic titles here. They do seem to be mostly work settings, but it is not hard to see how to take the ideas home.

  • The Missed Moments of Retail Banking
  • How Do You Refresh a Meeting That’s Grown Rote?
  • Improving a Chinese Restaurant
  • Boss Has a Flash of Insight: I’m a Jerk
  • How Can You Combat the “Silo” Mentality?

Research Grounding

Every time the authors mention research that I’m familiar with already – work by Kahneman, Wrzesniewski, Aron, Gollwitzer, and others, I think, “Yes, that is clearly stated, and it clearly supports the point you’re making.” That makes me ready to absorb the various sources I did not already know. This book rests on strong pillars.

Summary

This is a book I’ll keep close by to help me plan for moments that matter. I’ve thought of at least 3 opportunities to use the ideas this week.

Let me close with one point they make in the chapter about courage.

“In short, courage is contagious. … Think of it: Your moment of courage might be a defining moment for someone else – a signal to them that red is red, that wrong is wrong, and that it can be righted if we stand, together, against it.” (p. 193)

 

References

Heath, C. & Heath, D. (2017). The Power of Moments. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Heath, C. & Heath, D. (2017). One page summary of Power of Moments. Available on the Member Resource page on the Heath brothers website. There are numerous resources there to augment and support their books.

Gentile, M. (2012). Giving Voice to Values: How to Speak Your Mind When You Know What’s Right. Yale University Press.

Heath, C. & Heath, D. (2007). Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die. Random House.

About Kahneman:
Britton, K. H. (2012). Homage to Kahneman, Part 1. Positive Psychology News.

Includes a discussion of Gollwitzer’s implementation intentions:
Polly, S. (2014). How to Command a Room: Suggestions for Positive Presenting. Positive Psychology News.

References Aron’s 36 questions:
Stanley, J. (2016). Instead of a Resolution, Try a New Year Routine (Part 1). Positive Psychology News.

References Wrzesniewski’s job crafting:
Chin, E. (2013). Unhappy at Work? Change Your Job While Still In It. Positive Psychology News.

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Wire Your Brain for Confidence and Conquer Self-Doubt (Book Review)

by Elaine O'Brien
written by Elaine O'Brien

“Once you rewire your brain, it feels like the canoe you have been paddling upstream with so much effort has been turned around to float freely with the direction of the river. When you wire your brain for confidence, there is little resistance toward big, scary goals.” – Louisa Jewell

Louisa Jewell at launch

Louisa Jewell
at the book launch

On Thursday September 21, Louisa Jewell launched her new book, Wire Your Brain for Confidence: The Science of Conquering Self-Doubt. She has delivered a brilliant tour de force.

Louisa Jewell is articulate, down to earth, generous, and funny. She is also the founder of the Canadian Positive Psychology Association (CPPA), a scholar, a successful organizational consultant, a businesswoman, a speaker, a loving mother, a cherished friend, and a great storyteller.

In her abundant, practical, and well-researched book about confidence, Louisa weaves together the science of positive psychology, self-efficacy, self-determination theory, and neuropsychology in an engaging, easy to understand manner.

Louisa describes surmounting personal tragedy with assurance. She exposes her own vulnerability as she chronicles her trajectory overcoming her own self-doubts to rise as a flourishing international leader in the science of applied positive psychology.

Louisa cites leading-edge research. She has interviewed positive psychology thought leaders in both research and practice, including Dr. Kate Hefferon and Dr. Carol Dweck. Louisa explains Dweck’s The Power of “Yet” (page 203), shares helpful “Confidence Habits” (pages 208, 224), and gives the reader a handy, compelling exercise titled, “How to Eliminate ‘Should’ From Your Life.”

Disclosure: I had the pleasure of meeting Louisa in 2009 when she entered the University of Pennsylvania MAPP program, and I was a new MAPP graduate. Over the years since then, I have been honored to call Louisa, my colleague and friend. I have seen the confidence that she describes grow and blossom in her life. She lives what she describes.

Self-Determination Theory: Relatedness, Autonomy, Competence
Louisa presents theories and research around building confidence in a masterful manner. I study motivation. I found Louisa’s illuminating descriptions around Richard Ryan and Edward Deci’s Self-Determination Theory (SDT), perfectly on target. Louisa describes SDT about how “humans are driven by three psychological needs that contribute to intrinsic motivation, a heliotropic effect, and are essential for growth and well-being, just like sun, water, and soil are essential for plants to function optimally.” The descriptions below are her section headers:

  1. Relatedness: The universal need to interact, be connected to, and experience caring for others
  2. Autonomy: The universal urge to be in control of one’s own life and act in harmony with what is important to oneself
  3. Competence: A need to control the outcome of our actions and experience mastery
Signing books

Louisa Jewell signing books

Fear of Failure, and How to Overcome It

Louisa explains that people often identify fear of failure as a strong demotivator, but if you dig a little deeper, it’s failing in plain sight of other people that is the real fear. Initially researchers believed self-doubt was internally driven. She shares current research suggesting self-doubt is inherently a social phenomenon, emerging from our concerns about social disapproval and the potential of being evaluated negatively by our peers and family. Fear of social evaluation and disapproval may discourage us from engaging in behaviors that will allow us to fulfill our dreams.

What’s in the Mix: Louisa’s Formula for Confidence

Louisa shares a powerful formula for confidence based on the science of applied positive psychology and her lived experiences. Louisa urges us to conquer doubt and to honor our worth. Further, she promotes a legacy of goodness, practicality, and wisdom, which is encouraging, especially for women. Louisa cares about us, her readers, and is cheering us on throughout the book. She is also raising the barre by giving exercises on how to live with greater confidence, intuition, wisdom, and creativity. She reminds us not to fear shining brightly, nor dim our own lights. She also offers a bit of tough love around receiving feedback, explaining “when you don’t take things personally, you are more likely to just get back up and keep trying.”

With writing coach, Kathryn Britton

Confidence to Lift Up Women and Our Humanity

Louisa addresses the bias, degradation, inequality, and lack of safety that affect women’s lives today. Her book can be a valuable tool in education, therapy, business, and personal help. Louisa offers the “juice:” research and resources that can take us on a journey toward creating a better understanding of ourselves and thus embodying self-assurance.

The research, skills, and tools in Louisa Jewell’s book will go a long way toward helping her readers shine.
 

 
References

Jewell, L. (2017). Wire Your Brain for Confidence: The Science of Conquering Self-Doubt. Famous Warrior Press.

Dweck, C. (2007). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. New York: Ballantine Books.

Hefferon, K. (2013). Positive Psychology and the Body: The Somato-Psychic Side to Flourishing. Open University Press.

Ryan, R. M. & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68-78.

Photo credits: Photos provided by the author and by Louisa Jewell (signing photo).

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AllBook ReviewGoalsMotivationPersistenceTaking Action

Getting Grit (Book Review)

by Kathryn Britton
written by Kathryn Britton

“When we learn how to set the right goals and see them through to the finish line, become comfortable with discomfort, and use setbacks as springboards, we can live with passion, purpose, and perseverance.” Getting Grit, p. 5

Grit came to the forefront last year when Angela Duckworth published a book describing the research on passion and perseverance in the pursuit of long-term goals. Duckworth told stories about grit in action and grit in the making. Since then there has been lively discussion around questions such as

  • Is grit always good? If not, how can people recognize when it has gone awry?
     
  • Is grit malleable? If so, what specific things can people do to build more beneficial grit?
     
  • Is there enough grit out there to help us deal collectively with the immense challenges of our age?

 

Enter Caroline Miller’s new book, Getting Grit. Miller builds on the goal-setting foundation she established in Creating Your Best Life to address these questions in a clear and compelling way. As a striver herself and a performance coach, she has seen grit develop, sometimes go awry, and sometimes drive amazing long-term progress toward very hard goals. Miller’s definition of authentic grit will give you a hint about her answers to these questions.

“the passionate pursuit of hard goals that awes and inspires others to become better people, flourish emotionally, take positive risks, and live their best lives. For me, grit isn’t a positive unless it is a force for good.” Getting Grit, pp 14-15

A Coach Between Book Covers

Getting Grit is like finding a grit coach between book covers. If you believe you need clearer goals, greater motivation to follow them through, and help dealing with discomfort and setbacks, you might hire someone like Miller to be your performance coach. If that’s out of reach, start with Miller’s new book and work through the exercises she provides to build this complex quality. Keep in mind Miller’s important caveat:

“Developing authentic grit means experimenting with these ideas, practicing them over and over, learning what works through trial and error, and evolving from a cook who masters one behavior at a time to a master chef who blends them all together repeatedly with hard work and for the right reasons.” Getting Grit, p. 91

I firmly believe in thinking of life as a series of experiments. Here are grit ingredients she suggests including in your own experiments with baking a grit cake (metaphor Miller’s).

  • Building Passion to Fuel Purpose: Identifying a harmonious passion, making sure it doesn’t become an obsessive passion. She draws on the research of Bob Vallerand, who defines harmonious passion as freely chosen for the pleasure that comes from the activity, not to please someone else or outshine someone else.
     
  • Happiness: Taking intentional action to support personal happiness, because “… we don’t become happy after we succeed at something, but rather succeed precisely because we are happy first.” (p. 107)
     
  • Goal-setting: Goals direct attention toward what matters, energize people, prolong effort, and lead to self-discovery of skills and resources.
     
  • Self-Regulation: How do you set up conditions that support will power and help you say “no” when you need to do so? The exercises in this chapter includes a discussion of fathers playing with their children. A little bit of roughhousing helps children learn how to cope with frustration.
     
  • Risk-Taking: A lot of people talk about taking risks, but not many get this specific about how. I appreciated Miller’s first suggestion: “Ask yourself ‘Why not?’ instead of ‘Why?’” She explained that gritty people don’t endlessly stare at their options waiting for the perfect choice to emerge. They move out, ready to learn from what happens.
     
  • Humility: When I thought of grit as a compound strength, it didn’t occur to me to include humility, so I read this chapter with particular interest. Miller warns people about selfie grit earlier in the book. She tells the story of a young man from Haiti brought to school in the United States who says, “I don’t understand how anyone can say they are self-made. I couldn’t have accomplished anything without so many people doing things for me … How can you make yourself successful all by yourself?” One of the exercises in this chapter is to “Toot someone else’s horn.” (p. 160 & p. 166).
     
  • Perseverance: This chapter describes struggling well, overcoming procrastination, and numerous pragmatic ways to build the ability to persevere. One theme in the exercises is to be around other people who persevere. Perseverance is contagious.

     

  • Patience: Here’s another that I didn’t expect, but it makes good sense. Powerful goals aren’t achieved all at once, and they aren’t achieved without discouraging setbacks. I’m reminded of my father and his brother both applying for Rhodes scholarships after World War II. Both were turned down. My uncle moved on to other things, but my father interviewed members of the selection committee to find out where he fell short. He spent two years working on the qualities they wanted to see and was accepted the second time he applied. My birthplace, Oxford England, is evidence of his patience and his grit.

Hesitations

In her book and her earlier TEDx talk, Miller expresses deep concern that we are experiencing a grit deficit right now and that the Millennial Generation has been bubble-wrapped to the point that they aren’t learning to do hard things. There is a clear suggestion that helicopter parents are standing between them and things they need to learn.

I have a little hesitation about the urgency of Miller’s argument. I do agree that my generation of parents has been over-protective, but in my opinion it’s a temporary over-correction for too little protection in preceding generations. When my mother was growing up, children had great freedom starting at very early ages, shooed outside, and called in for meals. Imagine what they learned from so much independence! But there is a family story about my father falling into an irrigation ditch at the age of 4 while playing with his 6- and 7-year-old siblings. He only survived the fast-flowing water because his coat filled up with air and kept him afloat until the current pushed him close to a bank so that his siblings could pull him out. At least one of my mother’s cousins drowned in an irrigation ditch. People no longer routinely leave a 7-year-old in charge of two younger siblings, and I don’t find that a bad thing.

Perhaps Getting Grit will contribute to a swing back toward the middle, helping parents learn how to be there for their children without getting between them and the difficult things they need to face to grow wise and strong.

Summary

Getting Grit is a clear, application-oriented book full of reflection questions, activities, and exercises for people who want to build authentic grit that will make a difference not just to themselves, but also for the communities around them.

 

 
References:

Miller, C. A. (2017). Getting Grit: The Evidence-Based Approach to Cultivating Passion, Perseverance, and Purpose. Boulder, CO: Sounds True .
Miller, C. A. (2014). The moments that make champions. TEDxGramercy.

Miller, C. A. & Frisch, M. B. (2009), Creating Your Best Life: The Ultimate Life List Guide. New York: Sterling.
Britton, K. H. (2014). Think of it as an experiment. Positive Psychology News.

Britton, K. H. (2011). What about passion? Positive Psychology News.

Duckworth, A. (2013). Grit: The power of passion and perseverance. TED Talk.

Duckworth, A. (2016). Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance. Scribner.

Vallerand, R. (2015). The Psychology of Passion: A Dualistic Model (Series in Positive Psychology). Oxford University Press.

Photo Credit:
Book cover and picture of Caroline Adams Miller from the Getting Grit site
Others from Flickr via Compfight with Creative Commons licenses
ericfoltz

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AllBook ReviewHome and FamilyTaking Action

Option B (Book Review)

by Lisa Sansom
written by Lisa Sansom

Responding to Another’s Grief

A few days ago, I was walking to work when I saw one of my colleagues. I knew that she had returned to work unexpectedly from her maternity leave because her newborn died from complications at 17 days old. She and I were not close colleagues before she left, but we worked in the same unit. I knew enough of her back story to understand that she must be in a difficult emotional position. As we walked, I mentioned that while we were happy to have her back, this must be tough for her. She shared how difficult it has been for her to find support because many groups are designed to support parents after a stillbirth. Her baby had lived for a few days, so it was different…

I learned a lot about her grief and her struggles and her ups and downs. I was able to listen and support her, acknowledging that her baby would always be in her heart and she would never forget him, that there would be good days and bad days. She admitted that she was finding it hard sometimes. We covered a lot of ground in that short walk and she thanked me for listening as we went to our separate offices. I was able to interact with her in that way not because I’ve been there (I haven’t) and not because I’m a trained coach, but because I had read Option B by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant.

When Option A Disappears

Sheryl Sandberg may be best known as a Silicon Valley powerhouse who has worked at Google and is the COO of Facebook. She wrote her previous book, Lean In, as a way of encouraging women to shatter glass ceilings everywhere. However, when her beloved husband Dave died suddenly while they were on vacation, her world shattered in ways she had never imagined possible. She reached out to a friend, Adam Grant, psychologist, Wharton professor, prolific author and great guy extraordinaire. Together they wrote Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy.

This book is mostly Sheryl’s. It is her story to tell, her insights to share, and her emotions to bare. The book is written from her perspective.

Adam is referenced in the third person in discussions of what she learned and what the psychological research says. Followers of positive psychology will recognize some of the academic findings that are shared, such as counting blessings, optimistic explanatory style, gratitude, self-compassion, and resilience. Yet this is not likely the way we would have thought to apply positive psychology.

How She Survived: Book Contents

Sheryl and Dave have two children, and Sheryl describes the flight home, alone, having to face the unimaginable task of telling her children that they would never see their father again. To Sheryl’s great credit, she reached out to her social support network and got solid advice on how to do that: directly, simply and be prepared to answer questions about death. She continued to reach out to get further advice which she shares with us, her readers.

As a mother myself, I can’t imagine her journey of grief, having to be strong for her children, yet suffering so enormously herself. I’ve heard Sheryl interviewed a couple of times on the radio. She is a compelling speaker, even as she relates her story over and over and over again for the benefit of us all. I hope it contributes to her own healing journey. This was a compelling and amazing book to read. Sheryl is very human and shares her story with no holds barred.

 

She talks about how she felt when others offered her platitudes and what she wishes they had done instead.

She talks about how shocked and horrible she felt when she finally experienced a moment of joy after Dave’s death and he wasn’t there to share it.

She talks about the resilience of her children and how they continue to work together as a family to be there for each other through emotional ups and downs.

She talks about the importance of resilient communities and how much more organizations can do, and should do, to allow people time to grieve and to provide important support when their worlds become broken. She also talks about the policies she is influencing at Facebook to move in this direction.

Community Resilience

I wasn’t sure about reading this book, but I’m ever so glad that I did. I want to read it again with my highlighter firmly in hand and note all the wisdom again. I hope never to find myself in a situation even close to Sheryl’s tragedy, although I know that many people have experienced the death of beloved spouses, dear sweet children and others who are so heart-achingly close to them. I recognize I’m in a very fortunate position that way.

However, this book has definitely equipped me to be more compassionate when someone close to me is suffering from a tragic loss. I feel that I know better what to say, what to do, and how to be a meaningful support with less fear and trepidation, and more confidence. Sheryl’s courage is contagious. May we all be inspired to build community resilience and reach out. None of us should ever feel lonely in our times of difficulty.

 

 
References

Sandberg, S. & Grant, A. (2017). Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy. New York: Alfred Knopf.

Grant, Adam. (2013). Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success. Viking Press.

Sandberg, S. (2013). Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead. New York: Alfred Knopf.

Images
Sheryl Sandberg from Wikimedia
Adam Grant courtesy of Wikimedia: July 31, 2012, Wharton School of Business, U. Penn, Philadelphia, Pa, Adam M. Grant, PhD, an associate professor of management, seen at Wharton this morning. Photo by Michael Kamber/Bloomberg

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