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Home » All, Communication, Gratitude, Home and Family, Positive Feelings, Strengths

Turning around the Hidden Power of Blame

By on January 5, 2009 – 6:14 am  8 Comments

Sherri Fisher, MAPP '06, M.Ed., Director of Learn & Flourish LLC, is a leader in the field of positive education. An education management consultant and coach, workshop facilitator and author, Sherri uses the POS-EDGE Model to incorporate research-based findings from strengths psychology and behavioral economics into positive, personalized, best-practice strategies for learning, parenting, and work. Full Bio. Sherri's articles are here.



Addams FamilyOn the back of a holiday photo I received recently was a troubling note that belied the lovely smiling faces of the melded family on the other side. In the picture were grandparents, parents and grandchildren, as well as step and half-siblings. They were dressed alike, snuggled closely with one another, and beaming. However in the handwritten message was this: “Since you know about Positive Psychology, I hope you can help me to change my family. They are so negative, and I’ve tried everything to make them more positive.”

What you can change…

While we like to think that we know who is to blame for our relationship misery, changing yourself may be the key to changing other people. What are some of the things that you can change? Before there was a field called Positive Psychology, Marty Seligman wrote the first book of his I read, What You Can Change and What You Can’t. In it Seligman presented the importance of rigorous empirical research when choosing self-help and mental health approaches, but with the caveat that we must keep in mind what is and what is not changeable, since it is a big leap from the research lab to the user of research findings. Seligman said:

“The knowledge of the difference between what we can change and what we must accept in ourselves is the beginning of real change. With this knowledge, we can use our precious time to make the many rewarding changes that are possible. We can live with less self-reproach and less remorse. We can live with greater confidence. This knowledge is a new understanding of who we are and where we are going.”

Since Seligman wrote this, cures have been found for many psychological illnesses, others have been removed from subsequent versions of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, various editions)as they are no longer considered abnormalities, and we can even prevent mental illnesses, for example, by teaching the skills of optimism and resilience.  So what can we change?

Getting back to the holiday card message, you can begin by changing you. It will involve some work, but the results change not only you but everyone you come into contact with. (More on this later.)

Explore Your Strengths

Clare at 15 weeksFirst, learn your being, knowing, and doing strengths. The being (VIA) strengths (24 of these) include your character and values. People who don’t have your Signature Strengths may seem as much like you as cats are like dogs. Your knowing strengths (these are infinite) encompass everything you have learned about, and people who don’t share your knowledge may even appear ignorant to you. Remember that they know things that you don’t, too. Your doing (Strengthfinder 2.0) strengths (34 of these) are about the way you apply your talent themes in automatic ways. You may find that you thrive on achieving goals or winning others over while others are arrangers or activators. While it is natural to find value in others who are like us, all of the strengths are valued by people, so consider learning about your strengths as a gateway to what is valuable about others, too.

Monitor Disgust

Next, monitor how often you feel the negative emotion disgust. When something disgusts you, what do you do? Think of a food which you really, really hate, or the smell of something rotten. That visceral reaction is disgust. The overwhelming desire to spit something out is not reserved for food. It is active in relationships, too.  When someone else disgusts you, it is extremely difficult to like them. When you begin to feel disgust, switch to something—anything—admirable about the person. Everyone has something, and you can challenge yourself to find things that appeal to your strengths. For example, if you have curiosity as a strength, find out something new about the other person. If you tend to have lots of self-regulation, but aren’t always flexible, focus on the value of another person’s zest, energy and openness.

Watch How You Respond

Finally, practice Active Constructive Responding (ACR). For me, ACR is an antidote for disgust, too. Try to elicit something good recently experienced by the other person. Sharing good news is called “capitalizing”.  Cultivate ways to say, “What’s new?” Try, “I heard that you had a very interesting vacation.” Be enthusiastically (fake it till you make it here) interested in the other person’s capitalizing. Instead of being annoyed by the person who goes on and on—It’s all about me!—listen for places to ask questions so that there is some give and take. In workshops I ask people to be in the ACR role for 5 whole minutes, so stick with it. Don’t fall into the trap of talking about yourself, or trying to one-up the other person. You’ll just be more irritated, and that’s not constructive.  ACR makes the other person feel understood, validated and cared for. You’ll both like each other better!

Change Others by Changing Yourself

So how do you change everyone else while changing yourself? Remember that I said it was possible earlier on.

Jump out of Your Box

Jump out of Your Box

  • Keep the focus on what works. You’ll be happier when learning about your own strengths and using them in new ways, according the Seligman, Steen, Park and Peterson.
  • Use those strengths and positive emotions to undo disgust and other negative emotions. Positive emotions have many nice outcomes, especially the reversal of negative emotions. Barbara Fredrickson’s Broaden and Build Theory, and the Undoing Hypothesis explain how.  
  • Practice Active Constructive Responding, the tool for positive and interactive responding to the capitalizations of others. What you say in response to the good news of others is a better predictor of your relationship outcome than how you respond to problems, Shelly Gable has found.
  • Instead of grieving the relationship you don’t have, keep an eye on what is good about the one that you do have. Look for opportunities to thank others since gratitude is as good for the giver as for the receiver.

 

So can you change your family? Yes, a little bit at a time, starting with YOU.  Step out of the box. You just might have put yourself in there.

Today from the author: “I’m grateful for Tucker, my new Lab puppy. He brings love and laughter to my home and office.”

Tucker Lab Puppy

Images

The puppy pictures were both taken by Sherri Fisher.

The Addams Family picture is drawn from the ideofact archives

The ACR picture is here.

  

References


Emmons, R. (2007) Thanks!: How the new science of gratitude can make you happier. Boston: Houghton Mifflan Company.

Fredrickson, B.L., & Branigan, C. (2005). Positive emotions broaden the scope of attention and thought-action repertoires. Cognition and Emotion, 19, 313-332.

Gable, S. L., Gonzaga, G., & Strachman, A. (2006). Will you be there for me when things go right? Social Support for Positive Events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91, 904-917.

Kok, B.E., Catalino, L. I. & Fredrickson, B.L. (2008). The broadening, building, buffering effects of positive emotions. In S. Lopez (Ed.). Positive Psychology [Four Volumes]: Exploring the Best in People. Vol. 3 Capitalizing on emotional experiences. (pp.1-19). Westport, CT: Greenwood Publishing Company.

Rath, T. (2007). StrengthsFinder 2.0: A New and Upgraded Edition of the Online Test from Gallup’s Now, Discover Your Strengths. New York: Gallup Press.

Seligman, M. E P, Steen, T., Park, N., & Peterson, C. (2005). Positive psychology progress: Empirical validation of interventions. American Psychologist, 60(5), 410-421. 

Seligman, M.E.P. (1994). What You Can Change . . . and What You Can’t*: The Complete Guide to Successful Self-Improvement. New York: Knopf. 


8 Comments »

  • waynej says:

    Sherri, This is the dilemma for positive psychology – everyone thinks its about being positive as exemplified by the comment “they are so negative, and I’ve tried everything to make them more positive.” It is so much more!!

    Cute dog – we have a 10 month old old english sheep dog who insists that they are a lap dog – doesn’t quite work.

    By the way Sherri, can you contact me.

  • Sherri,
    Does this mean I have to put away my cape, tights and superman shirt? I’ve struggled to save people for years from themselves, usually to have them turn on me. Just kidding, but I do find it much more seductive to save others than work on myself. I love the reality of this article and the “limitations” it identifies with Positive Psychology (heck, with any psychology). In most of my work in corporations everyone looks for the silver bullet — usually it is for everyone else.
    Thank you for highlighting ACR. It works well both at home and in the corporate setting. AND most importantly it changes the user as it offers positive opportunities for everyone to grow. Thanks for the insightful article.

  • John Yeager says:

    Sherri: You provide a realistic post on the limitations of Positive Psychology, and at the same time a realistic roadmap for the “healer – heal thyself” idiom.

  • Sherri,

    That’s a hard lesson to learn — that the only people we can change directly are ourselves. Reading your article made a lightbulb go on about various child-rearing efforts. The only thing I could really do was change my own actions — whether and how I responded to various behaviors — even though I was thinking about making behavioral changes in my children.

    Another thing that comes to mind is strengths-spotting. Alex Linley in his book Average to A+ talks not just about becoming aware of our own strengths, but also becoming more sensitive to demonstrations of strength by others — and then perhaps mirroring them back.

    Great message.
    Kathryn

  • Jeremy McCarthy says:

    This reminds me of a great Twilight Zone episode about a guy who hated everyone around him. Every day he would ride the subway to work just seething with disgust at all of the other people in the car. He comes upon a book that teaches him magic and when he learns enough to develop his powers, he casts a spell to make everyone in the world just like him (since he is the only person he actually likes.) The next day is a nightmare come true as he boards the subway and everyone is as hateful and seething as he had been.

    I don’t know the research on this but I imagine the disgust reaction is a reflex that comes quicker and easier with practice. I like the ACR suggestion as a way to try and practice experiencing elevation in stead of disgust and hopefully develop new habits.

  • Jeremy McCarthy says:

    There is a short film called “validation” which highlights in a funny way how ACR can change others. Check it out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cbk980jV7Ao (warning: it’s 17 minutes long)

  • Phil Merry says:

    Excellent summary Sherri – and particularly apt as we move into 2009. this year will give people plenty of chance to blame others with some many predictions about what will co wrong with the economy etc etc. it is an apt reminder that the only person we can ever change is ourselves. I find it useful to immerse myself first in the quality i want others to display – eg if i think someone else lacks kindness i will be kindness personified in everything i do – and the strange thing is that when i do this – others begin to change around me. I think we only see things wrong in others because that is something we need more of in our own lives. MANY THANKS – Phil Merry SIngapore – http://www.simply-happy.com

  • Thanks for all of the great comments!

    The hardest thing for any of us steeped in MAPP research to do is forget that we know it when we are teaching (or writing about it)to others. We are not relating information as much as providing a context for relevant experience. That is much more difficult than passing along what we know. I’m happy to have been able to choose topics that resonated with you, and would love to hear back as you try these approaches to “making others more positive.”

    Our boxes, like comfy shoes, are hard to step out of!

    Cheers,
    Sherri

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