Comments on: Not good enough? Not smart enough? Not pretty enough?

By: Stephanie Kiser

Stephanie Kiser — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 01:30:38 +0000

Dear Louis,
I really enjoyed your article. I am currently enrolled in a Positive Psychology class at NCSU and also wanting to better my own mindset and gain better control of my negative thinking to turn it around into positive thoughts so that I can “reconstruct” my mindset and the way that I think.
My question for you is this, by following your suggestions to replace these negative thoughts with more positive thoughts, are there specific statements that you have found work best with people that you work with? I have a list of statements in my wallet to say to myself when I am having negative thoughts circling in my head and these sentences are not working. Perhaps they are not aspiring hope within myself. Or maybe I am not focusing enough on my positive self thoughts? I try to tell myself over and over again the good things that I do, the things that other people tell me that are positive about myself. BELIEVING them is the key. What if we are saying them and thinking them, but not believing them deep down and not knowing you are not believing them? Thought processes are very interesting to me academically and personally, and I want to know how to better myself, but also to learn more about it in an academic way so that I can learn and therefore when I am older and settled into a psychology-related career I can help others change their thought processes. If you could write me back, with some suggestions, I’d appreciate it! Thank you,
Stephanie

By: Louis

Louis — Tue, 12 May 2009 16:54:45 +0000

Joan,

Thanks for reminding us that contrast: what we say to ourselves vs. what we say to other people. Consciousness and awareness are the first keys.

Your students are blessed to have such a forward thinking teacher-

Louis

By: Louis

Louis — Tue, 12 May 2009 16:50:45 +0000

LLnL -

Glad you got some good tips for taming from this article. We ALL have to deal with the inner voices. It’s part of being human, I suppose. Coaches certainly can help in the process!

Warmly,
Louis
http://www.CoachLouis.com

By: Joan Young

Joan Young — Sun, 03 May 2009 23:10:45 +0000

Louis,
Thank you for an inspiring look at a topic very near and dear to me. In my own growth process, as well as in working with students, I am often reminded of the power of the “inner critic.” Sometimes I am mortified at the contrast of how we can say things to ourselves we would never utter to another person. I wrote about my own battle in a blog post a couple months ago.
http://puttingpositivityintopractice.blogspot.com/2009/02/reducing-negativity.html
At the time I was in the middle of reading Barb Fredrickson’s book, Positivity and practicing an exercise she cites as adapted from the Penn Resiliency Program. The technique, which I am sure many are familiar with, involves writing down typical critical inner voice comments on index cards and then randomly picking the cards, disputing each statement aloud, giving the facts. For me, a self-admitted recovering perfectionist, this strategy helps me see the illogical conclusions that my inner critic is so willing to devise.
Once again, thanks for your article!

By: LLnL

LLnL — Sat, 02 May 2009 00:00:47 +0000

I really like this article. No one teaches what to do with the inner voices. You just buck up and deal with life, but if the negativity is strong and you don’t have the techniques to deal with it you will get burnt out or suffer from debilitating depression. Thank you article.

By: Louis Alloro

Louis Alloro — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 23:30:37 +0000

Wayne, I agree that acceptance is huge. James Pawelski calls it the “yielded life”. Accepting what is as it is and then pushing forward as it could be. Thanks for the reminder. I should have included it! Next time…

Louis

By: Leanrainmakingmachine

Leanrainmakingmachine — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 15:50:37 +0000

Louis:
My experience is that a regular practice of gratitude journaling (I don’t stop at 3 blessings, but its the same idea) is very useful in determining which direction your mind chooses in doing comparisons. I try to do it several times a week. I also pray prayers of gratitude in the shower every morning—so, I have a daily morning practice of gratitude which hopefully sets the tone for the day (often, but not always, successful)
Also very useful is work with others who are less fortunate in the material life that American society measures and strives for. If you are middle class or higher, it’s tough not to see the truth if you’re at a shelter serving folks suffering from alcoholism, severe depression and bi polar disorder..
Moreover, I seek to banish entirely the whole notion of comparison–I have found true the aphorism: “Compare and despair…”
We are all on different journeys which we started at differerent places. We each have different demons from whom we run and different beacons to which we sail. Who am I to say whose journey is “better”. After all, life is full of materially less affluent folks whose lives are full of joy, happiness, love and meaning. By contrast, I’ve known folks on the Forbes 400 list who were angry, loveless, lonely, little people imprisoned by their wealth and addicted to even more wealth.

Ultimately, though, I think its important, first, to be aware that you have gremlins and understand what they’re saying, second, to be aware/believe that there are ways to banish those gremlins to gremlinland; third, to decide that you want to so banish them; fourth, to seek assistance/knowledge in doing so and, fifth, to take the actions regularly necessary.
Your article helps us all with all of those steps. Thanks again..

By: WJ

WJ — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 15:35:31 +0000

Louis, a big aspect of mindfulness is acceptance – you don’t have to reframe. That’s hard work. The irony is that research shows that by accepting is easier to reappraise (see Kirstens article)

By: Louis Alloro

Louis Alloro — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 13:54:20 +0000

Steve,

Glad you found inspiration. Can you share the URL to your blog with us? Would love to see!

Thanks,
Louis

By: Louis Alloro

Louis Alloro — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 13:49:12 +0000

Margaret – Great suggestion with the Best Possible Future Self exercise. What a perfect and natural fit to help tame the gremlin.

And love the question about who’s paying for the coaching session–real poignant!

Thanks for sharing,
Louis