I am a student in a positive psychology course this semester, and I found your article very interesting. After reading what you wrote about the Gottman study, I was hoping you could answer a few questions. First, are there certain principles out of the seven that are more important or particularly helpful when trying to bring the state of a marriage out of distress? I am also interested to know whether or not there are certain principles out of the seven that are harder than others for couples to implement, and stick with.

Thank you,
Victoria Gilmore

If you cant truly trust someone anymore, should you still continue to try to make that relationship work or is there no hope for a relationship without trust?

I really enjoyed reading your article. I’ve struggled to understand relationships, and sometimes the secret to happiness seems so complicated and elusive. However, I was wondering if you believed that the couples who showed criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and/or stonewalling were all “doomed”, or if given the right amount of time and therapy, they could have worked it out? I have a few couples in mind that show these problem signs, but no signs of unhappiness. I know of one couple in particular that seems to hate each other and fight constantly, but have been together for a very long time and are very happy with their relationship. And also in my own relationships, if I see signs of these “horsemen”, statistically it means that the relationship will almost definitely fail, but are there ways to work through the 4 signs, or is it just prolonging the inevitable? I’m of course asking for your opinion, since anything is possible.

Thanks so much for such an interesting article!

Jesse

I have a question. First you article is a very good one, and something that I am glad I came across. Second, I understand that the fourhorsemen are the negative things and the 7 steps are used to come from that and have a successful relationship. However, what if you are in a difficult relationship and truly want it to work but both of the people in the relationship are hard headed and it is almost impossible to use those strategies. Do you have any advice as to what to do in this situation?

Thank you!
Brittany S

I love this article because it’s one we can keep coming back to again and again for a summary of Gottman’s work.

What a delightful comment from Sara and having just gotten married. Wow!

Best,
Senia

This is a wonderful article. I see this helping thousands of couples become more aware of how to give and receive love through their marriages. I would like to know if these rules apply strictly to heterosexual couples only. Do you think some principles could be added or taken away if one is in a same sex relationship? I loved this article. Keep writing!

Thank you,

Marlena

My question has to do with my grandparents who live in Charleston, South Carolina. I just got back from spending a weekend with the two of them. My grandfather is 89 years old and he starting to loose some of his long-term memory, after already loosing most of his hearing.

The number one principle talks about enhancing your love map. I have a question about how the loss of memory or dementia plays apart in the health of a marriage? They have been married for almost fifty years and I think they are going to make it through to the end, but I wanted to know if forgetting moments, events and details about one’s spouse can affect the number one principle’s outcomes and responses.

Thank you,

Emily Morgan

Interesting question about passionate vs compassionate love. I do think they work together. A relationship often starts with passion but it takes a successful transition to compassionate love to sustain it. In Gottman’s research, he found that fondness and admiration are the antidote to contempt, the most deadly of the four horsemen. He says it seems almost ridiculous to point this out but “people who are happily married like each other.” I think it’s important to nurture a deep friendship with one’s spouse and also to be realistic about the role of passion in a long term marriage.

Laura

You ask a good question. The worst of the four horsemen is contempt because it conveys disgust. Gottman says that even in the presence of the four horsemen, if a couple can make successful repair attempts, such as calling a time out to deescalate conflict, then there might be hope for the marriage. However, when a person is getting the message that his/her partner is disgusted with them, this escalates conflict and can make repair attempts more difficult.

Congratulations on your marriage! I am glad this article was helpful.

Laura