Comments on: Development of Self-Motivation: Why Pleasing Parents Too Much Can be Bad for Your Health

By: Eleanor Chin

Eleanor Chin — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 05:16:14 +0000

Kathryn, Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. You ask many great questions that probably many parents are asking themselves. I’m not an expert on developmental psychology, but I suspect that some of the answers to your questions may lie in any of the suggestions that Christine alludes to, and some can be found in the diverse rates of domain specific human development. We tend to talk primarily of teens, but I suspect that many people for many reasons don’t find themselves until much later in emerging adulthood, or even later. Hence, motivation may seem to be lacking, but maybe it just takes longer for many of us to find our niches or passions, for reasons that are beyond parental influence or pathology. In other words, while we tend to talk about normal development, there’s a vast range of outlying behavior that’s also within the range of normal. The key, I think is it relax, notice, and help the child or adult to find their own way, trusting that they will in their own manner and time. I will do some research on your questions and you may see something in future articles inspired by your inquiries. Thanks.

By: Eleanor Chin

Eleanor Chin — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 04:59:26 +0000

Hi Carlyn, Thanks so much for your compliments! I try to write these articles with parents of all ages in mind and it’s encouraging to hear that this one resonates with the researcher, daughter and sister in you. I will continue to write about positive approaches to parenting and look forward to more dialogue with you!

By: Carlyn Carter

Carlyn Carter — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 19:36:10 +0000

Thank you for such a readable and informative article. I’m sending this to my parents, to help them understand why my brother lacks motivation in the domains they had hoped he would have suceeded and why I have made some choices in my life that go against what they had expected of me. I’ve written both my master’s thesis and qualifying exams on motivation (achievement motivation and motivation to help others) but I could never get these ideas across to them as well as you have in this article. Can’t wait to read more from you.

By: Christine Duvivier

Christine Duvivier — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 14:40:43 +0000

Hi Kathryn,

Great Question! My next article will begin to address your question on motivation (I hope). What I found is that kids who appeared to be unmotivated students were actually highly motivated in other situations– when it suited their gifts and interests or engaged them. Of course, there are probably some teens who feel so beaten-down by everything around them that they have trouble finding any sense of passion — but that may also be reflecting depression if they get to that point.

And while some kids are probably less passionate by nature, issues with self-motivation appear to arise when they are asked to shoe-horn themselves into molds that do not fit them (notice babies and toddlers– while some may be quieter or less active, they are all motivated to develop and learn in whatever ways they can find).

Huge topic that I’m not sure we can ever fully address but is interesting to explore. Thanks for starting the discussion!
Christine
http://www.positiveleaders.com

By: Kathryn Britton

Kathryn Britton — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 13:05:35 +0000

Eleanor and Christine,

Yes, some teens do have a wonderful sense of what’s right for them.

But some don’t – or maybe it’s that they don’t seem to.

Could you put in your article hoppers writing about what to do or not do or think or not think about teens who seem unmotivated in any direction? Are parents just not seeing what is there? Or is level of drive something that varies a great deal, and some kids are just less passionate about the future by nature? Could it be a reaction to having parents with high levels of drive? Or could it be a perception among those parents because they are comparing their present selves to their adolescent children?

Something to get your teeth into…

Kathryn

By: Eleanor Chin

Eleanor Chin — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 12:09:42 +0000

JD: So glad you find this topic useful and/or interesting. As you can tell, so do I and I’ll be happy to oblige. Anything in particular? Thanks, EC.

By: jd

jd — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 01:47:52 +0000

Eleanor,
More self-motivationa articles, please.
j.d.

By: Eleanor Chin

Eleanor Chin — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 05:40:26 +0000

Hi Dave! As a fellow archery parent, I can attest to the influence that our children’s interests can have on us if we are open to being influenced–particularly archery, because is a very democratic sport. You can do it at any age or ability. After all, we spend so many hours watching, why not participate? I have seen many parents continue shooting long after their child has lost interest! In the situation you mention, one thing that can be hard is separating your interest from your child’s. Any suggestions for how to do that effectively? I knew you would appreciate the archery reference. Thanks for weighing in with your unique perspective!

By: Eleanor Chin

Eleanor Chin — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 05:31:13 +0000

Christine, we are both adding to the literature on positive psychology and parenting in our own ways and it’s so needed, don’t you think? Your perspective as a parent and educator is so important to the dialogue and to me. Happy 2009!

By: Eleanor Chin

Eleanor Chin — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 05:27:26 +0000

Barry, your point about “remaining available to process the experience” is an important one. I alluded to it in my fourth tip about helping your child to notice for him/herself, but you said it more clearly. What qualities do you think parents need to stay engaged in this way? Thanks for your thoughtful comments!