Gratitude to a driver in Hong Kong

On a busy street in central Hong Kong, a car pulled out of a building as I walked past it. The driver stopped the car and let me pass. He looked at me, smiled, and gestured for me to go first. “What a gracious man!” I thought to myself. I know what he did was just an act of common courtesy but at that moment, I was touched by his graciousness. I perked up that instant and was in a good mood for the rest of the day. An act of grace lasting no more than 10 seconds from a stranger can turn my so-so day into a great one. Surely this must be one of the most economical way to generate positive emotions in ourselves and other people!

Where Is Kindness in the Modern World?

Kindness during busyness

How often do we notice such act of kindness in our daily life? Are we too busy to notice them? Or perhaps there are so few such acts now in our busy multi-tasking lifestyles? Do we give up seats for the needy on buses or trains? Do we help other people put away their luggage in the overhead luggage compartment?  The driver extended his kindness first and I reciprocated by quickening my pace, and acknowledging his kindness with a big smile while saying “thank you.” I hope my acknowledgment had the same effect on him as his gracious act had on me.

These are examples of kind acts extended to strangers. What about gracious acts to people we know? How do we become a graceful person to our loved ones? How we relate to other people matter a great deal in the science of happiness.

Dr. George Valliant, in his review of the findings on 268 Harvard sophomores selected in 1938-42 and followed prospectively for seven decades until 2009, came to the conclusion that the capacity for empathic relationships is a great predictor of happiness and aging well.  (See George Vaillant’s article on PPND “Yes, I Stand by My Words, “Happiness Equals Love—Full Stop”). Christopher Peterson and Martin Seligman included the three strengths of humanity (love, kindness and social intelligence) in their list of 24 character strengths and virtues.

Being Gracious to Our Close Ones

Kind to each other

So how do we put “other people matter” into practice? Dr. John Harvey, Professor of Psychology at the University of Iowa, and his colleagues use the term “minding.”  When we mind others we put them into our consciousness and our memory. When we mind, we are practicing a strength of humanity in thinking well of another person.  In short, we start with being gracious, acting in a graceful manner when we mind.

What does it mean to be graceful in the 21st century? Perhaps attending to those times in which we “mind” another person.  So readers of PPND, please take a moment and share with us  the little kindnesses that other people (especially those in romantic, family, friend and work relationships) have done for you.

Images:
The car courtesy of Ed-meister
People in Hong Kong courtesy of tiny_packages
Person looking at camera courtesy of marvin L

References:

Harvey, J. H. , Pauwels, B. G. & Zickmund, S. (2005).  Relationship connection:  the role of minding in the enhancement of closeness.   In Snyder, C. R., & Lopez, S. J. (Eds.), Handbook of Positive Psychology (pp. 423-433). New York: Oxford University Press.

Peterson, C. & Seligman M. E. P. (2004). Character strengths and virtues:  a handbook and classification. New York:  Oxford University Press.

This article first appeared on Positive Psychology News. To see the original article, click here. To comment on this article, click here.

In my workshops, I find that Chinese executives are receptive to positive interventions but something about Chinese culture gets in the way of their pursuit of happiness, and until these concerns are addressed, their pursuit of happiness will be a futile endeavor. Two weeks ago, I facilitated a resilience workshop for a group of middle managers from the logistics industry in Beijing, and last week, a stress management workshop for executives in Shanghai. I thought I’d share some insights from these two workshops, and in general about the psychological well-being of Chinese professionals.

Geert Hofstede in his work “Culture’s Consequences,” probed deeply into the differences between individualist cultures and collectivist cultures. An individualist culture encourages individual preferences and dynamics in a society, setting the individual ego up against others, while a collectivist culture, of which Chinese culture is one, stresses the collective interest and downplays personal preferences and interests. According to Chinese culture, the relationship between the individual and the collective is intimately linked with social norms, which are tied to value systems shared by the majority. The following concepts may help you understand the causes of stress and adversity from the perspective of Chinese people.

Guanxi 关系

Guanxi literally means “relationships.” It is the network of relationships among various parties that cooperate together and support one another. It can be seen as who you know and what they perceive to be their obligation to you.

Reciprocity 互惠

This concept can be defined as individuals and groups exchanging favors. People will ask for favors from those with whom they have guanxi. The recipient of a favor or gift will feel obliged to return the favor. It sometimes causes unnecessary stress and strain on a relationship because we do things out of “have to” rather than “choose to” or “love to” motivation. Every time I share something with my neighbor, some fruit or homemade cakes, my neighbor will reciprocate the next day with something of equivalent perceived value. My generosity actually put them on the spot, scrambling to find something to reciprocate!

Face 面子

Sense of social image in front of another person is perceived as critical for many in China. Losing face, saving face and giving face is very important. A person can lose face as a result of failure or not achieving goals, losing his or her temper, confronting an individual or putting people on the spot or acting in an arrogant manner or failing to show appropriate respect.

Harmony (hexie)

People will go to great length to remain polite and courteous in order to maintain surface harmony, even when it is false harmony. Disagreement is not expressed in fear of disrupting surface harmony so intermediaries are often used to deliver bad or unpleasant news. Confrontations are to be avoided. Disagreeing or asserting oneself, especially in front of someone perceived to be higher in the hierarchy of relationship, is seen as being rude and disrespectful.

Status consciousness 等级观念

Chinese people are very status conscious.  Hierarchical structures of the society and business organizations are based on a strict observation of rank where the individual is subordinate to the organization, to the elders, to the majority, and so on.

Culture in Action

Here are a few typical stressful events that emerge from these cultural qualities:

• You are going to Paris on a business trip, and a business associate wants you to help her buy three Hermes handbags. You have a tight schedule and don’t want to spend your spare moments running around Paris looking for these bags. You feel you can’t say no because it would upset your business associate and this might affect the working relationship in the future. However, you feel bad because you really don’t want to do it, and you resent the fact that the business associate put you in this situation.
• Your peer in the U.S. headquarters asks you for some product information that is not a priority of the operation in China. You are already overloaded with your work and do not have any spare resources to meet this request. You tell your counterpart, “I will try,” when you know there is not a chance you can deliver because you don’t like to turn down a request. You are also stressed out because you are put in the position of having to say no, repeatedly. You wonder why your counterpart makes things difficult for you. He should be more considerate.

Given this cultural context, it is no wonder that there isn’t a word for assertiveness in the Chinese language. It is often translated as decisive, over-confident, aggressive, and it is viewed as a socially undesirable trait. In the Chinese mindset, it never occurs to people that they are equal partners in such interaction, that one can make a request and the other can turn it down politely or at least express his difficulties so both parties can jointly figure out a solution. Expressing oneself authentically is especially hard for fear of upsetting the surface harmony and damaging the relationship.

Breaking Through Cultural Mindset Barriers

I discovered an effective approach to break through these cultural mindset barriers. While it is important to understand the cultural context, it is not so useful to focus on challenging these ingrained beliefs. Instead, I introduce concepts from psychology like locus of control, self-efficacy, and assertiveness as a starting point to explore mindset barriers and then introduce the ABCDE resilience building technique as described in The Resilience Factor

Individuals with an internal locus of control attribute the cause or control of events to something inside of themselves (they are the captains of their ships) while individuals with an external locus of control believe that they are not in control of their environment and the outcomes are instead controlled by luck, destiny, or the power of others. Just knowing this concept alone helps the executives to feel more empowered. They also begin to realize that they tend to operate from an external locus of control in events they found stressful, and if they shift the control inward to take charge, they start to see options and solutions to their difficult situations.

This approach seems to work well. It does not directly challenge the deeply ingrained beliefs about the uniqueness of Chinese culture. Instead it helps them integrate the tools from modern psychology. These executives welcome the opportunity to empower (another concept difficult to translate into Chinese) themselves and be better equipped psychologically to deal with the stresses in their lives.

Culture may be a collective programming of the mind, but I hold the view that human nature is infinitely malleable and that human beings can choose the ways of life they prefer. Here in China, many people do operate according to their cultural conditioning, but the majority of people I encounter in China do want to be happier. They welcome the know-how from positive psychology to help them become more resilient.

References:
Davis, J. S. (2009). Frames of Meaning for Life. A summary of the presentation by Professor Yong-Lin Moon at the IPPA World Congress about cultural differences in perspective.

Hofstede, G. (2001) Culture’s Consequences: Comparing Values, Behaviors, Institutions and Organizations Across Nations.Thousand Oaks CA: Sage Publications.

Hofstede, G. (2004). Cultures and Organizations: Software of the Mind. McGraw-Hill.

Hofstede, G. & Pedersen, P. (2002). Exploring Culture: Exercises, Stories, and Synthetic Cultures. Intercultural Press.

Reivich, K, & Shattẻ, A. (2002). The Resilience Factor: 7 Keys to Finding Your Inner Strength and Overcoming Life’s Hurdles. New York: Broadway Books.

Trompenaars, F. (1996). Resolving international conflict: Culture and business strategy. Business Strategy Review, 7, 51-68.

Whetten, D. & Cameron, K. (2007). Developing Management Skills (7th ed, pp. 54-55, 82-84, 105). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson / Prentice-Hall.

This book contains a locus of control instrument. It also discusses cultural differences in locus of control, as well as the pros and cons of both internal and external loci of control in business settings.

Images
The image of the Third Thinking Workshop in China is used with permission from Yee-Ming Tan, who took it during one of her workshops.
The Hexie or Harmony calligraphy was done by Mr. Wang Man Li.

This article first appeared on Positive Psychology News. To see the original article, click here. To comment on this article, click here.

Type in the word “happiness” on iTunes.com and you’ll discover a long list of apps on this topic.  There are two interesting apps developed based on positive psychology research: Live Happy and Gratitude Journal.

Live Happy by Signal Patterns

Based on the research of Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of the book The How of Happiness and professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, this app was developed to include information, in both text and video format, that can help you better understand what is known and proven about the attainment of happiness as well as features that encourage you to engage in happiness-enhancing activities.

The application lets you choose from several different activities, tells you what to do, and tells you why and how this particular activity promotes happiness. There are 6 groups of activities:

• Savor activities include creating an album of beautiful pictures to look at, or happy memories to relive.
• Social activities aim to nurture relationship by making time to connect with people and keeping a kindness journal.
• Strive activities include setting goals in different areas of your life, rating and prioritizing these goals.
• Thank activities include expressing gratitude to people in your life, and keeping a gratitude journal
• Optimism includes envisioning your ‘best possible self’
• Explore section provides you with lots of information about positive psychology and the science of happiness.

If you take the survey and provide personal information to build your profile, the app can find the more effective activities tailored to your preferences. You can pose questions to the expert (Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky), and answers appear in a long scroll (as a suggestion, it would have been nice to see the time stamp so we know which are the newest replies).

What do I love about this app? The sharing function – take a photo of your savoring moment, write down what is special about this moment, and your savoring moment can be stored in an album or shared with your friends on facebook or twitter in an instant.

At $9.99 this app is considered pricey but in terms of value (educational, comprehensive list of happiness-enhancing activities backed by solid research, huge amount of information and resources), you definitely get your money’s worth. However, it feels to me like a serious app for people who are serious about positive psychology. I wonder how it will come across to people who know nothing about positive psychology. Making it more fun to use will help reduce the sense of “I know these activities are good for me but I am not having much fun doing them.”

(Note about location: Unfortunately, I had no luck in watching the videos. They hang after a few seconds of play. The slow video buffering might have something to do with my location, Hong Kong. They might work better in the U.S.)

Gratitude Journal by Happier.com

This free simple application gives you the opportunity to create your gratitude journal by recording three things that you’re grateful for on a daily basis and measure your overall happiness over time.

I suggest you start with the introduction video by Dr. Martin Seligman which sets the context for focusing on the good things in life. After recording three good things, move on to “measure your happiness” to answer 24 multiple choice questions about how you’re feeling for the day. Do it on a regular basis and you’ll see a chart of your overall happiness. The following three images take you through the application: record three good things, take the survey, and view the results (or you can watch a demo video on youtube).

What do I love about this app? Counting one’s blessings is a proven intervention for increasing one’s happiness. This simple app gives you a chance to recognize and amplify the good things in your life, feel positive about them, and experience gratitude for the situation and the people who are helping to make them possible.

Both iPhone Apps

Several positive psychologists have said,“there is no short-cut to happiness,” and this is how I feel after using these two apps. You need to use them regularly, make it habitual, and only then will you start to notice the improvement.

Try these apps yourself if you are an iPhone user. More users and feedback will help the developers improve their apps. Mobile technology is now an integral part of our lives and I certainly hope to see more happiness-boosting activities built around modern communication technology.

Images:
Happier.com by Reflexive Learning, LLC and Live Happy by Signal Patterns

This article first appeared on Positive Psychology News. To see the original article, click here. To comment on this article, click here.

Conventional wisdom says we gain strengths from overcoming adversity, which I don’t disagree with. However, I also believe that tapping into our strengths helps us deal with adversity while going through it. From this perspective, strengths are not an outcome of adversity but can also be the means to get through adversity.

Alex Linley and Stephen Joseph of the University of Warwick, UK, report in a review of 39 studies of adversity that some studies show that – among other factors – positive reinterpretation coping, optimism, and positive emotions were associated with greater adversarial growth.

Elsie Smith of Temple University writes in an overview on strengths-based counseling, “The paradox of adversity is that we become stronger by confronting it.” Smith further mentions that strengths-based assessments are measurements of those skills, competencies that allow, in part, one to deal with adversity.

One Man’s Vision to Make Someone’s Day

Let me share an inspiring story of someone who turns to his strengths in the darkest moment of his life when battling cancer. Watch this video (3.32min) first before you read on. (Remember to turn up the volume and click the PLAY button)

David Wagner

Faces of Cancer

David Wagner is an inspiring stylist, owner of JUUT salons and spas in Minnesota and California, a celebrated author and the founder of the Daymaker movement. He coined the term Daymaker for his philosophy of making the world a better place through intentionally making someone’s day.

At the age of 26, Wagner found out that the care and attention he gave to one hairstyling client saved her from going through with her plan of killing herself. He was glad to have made such a difference, but the experience also left him with an enormous sense of responsibility. He started living with the idea of being peoples’ “Daymaker hairstylist,” and as a result was able to change his clients’ lives so much that it gave him confidence in choosing to be a Daymaker in the other roles he plays. He became a Daymaker boss, a Daymaker husband, a Daymaker dad. He also applies the Daymaker philosophy to his business (voted Top Salon in 2008) and the community.

This is how Wagner introduces himself: “I am a daymaker warrior. My life’s work is to serve others, and influence them to do the same. This means that no matter what I face each day, I remain determined to find a way to bring joy and hope to people around me. I focus on having calmness, compassion, humor, and a positive attitude.”

Last April, Wagner was diagnosed with cancer. While undergoing rounds of chemo treatment, he decided to capture his journey of cancer in a series of photos. He turned to his strength of creativity. He said in an interview with Salon Today: “Throughout the process, I felt all the emotions—the anger, the ‘Why Me?’, the looking at the bright side of things, and we decided to capture that in a series of photos that bring people through the journey of cancer. We started right after the first round of chemo, and we chronicled the treatment, losing the hair, getting my head shaved, regaining strength.” This video above is the first of a series of four, taken when he was just diagnosed.

Strengths to Battle Adversity

What are his character strengths, I wondered, and how do these strengths (apart from creativity) serve him on this difficult journey? I contacted Wagner, and he made my day when he said yes to my invitation to contribute to this article. He sent back the completed VIA results within 30 minutes of my first email to him!

“When I look at my strengths I can say I called on all of them anytime I faced with adversity especially death,” Wagner says. His top 5 character strengths are:

1. Creativity, ingenuity, and originality – “I wasn’t able to work on my business or be involved in the marketing, and I missed the creativity. Doing this project helped me heal emotionally.”
2. Appreciation of beauty and excellence – “I take advantage of my ability to see beauty in life, even the crappy stuff. I see beauty in people, things, instances (I call them perfect moments), nature, and my own existence.”
3. Perspective (wisdom) – “When I was first diagnosed with cancer I feared I may only have 3-6 months since I was deteriorating so quickly and I knew that what I would miss most was my daughters turning into young women. They are 10 and 12. Then I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, which has a life expectancy of 3-5 years so I thought how lucky I was to see my daughters through another 3-5 years and into their teen years. Then I found out that it was a misdiagnosis and I had lymphoma, which is treatable. Now I feel as if the whole journey including the misdiagnosis was part of the lesson.”
4. Spirituality, sense of purpose, and faith – “When faced with darkness I look at what the meaning of it is for me and what spirit is teaching me. I felt content that I had been doing what I was put on earth to do which was very comforting to me. To know that I found my purpose of Daymaking at such an early age and know that I live it everyday was what gave me peace in my mind.”
5. Bravery and valor – The raw emotions shown in the video says it all. Courage in the face of adversity!

From Wagner’s life story and accomplishment, we can see that this is someone who has spent a lifetime building on his strengths. Elsie Smith quotes psychologists Greenstein and Breitbart who describe the famous Victor Frankl belief in the importance of life meaning: “Having a feeling of purpose and meaning can also help alleviate the distress caused by these painful facts of life [illness] in the first place.” The strengths, so well honed for Wagner now, serve as an inner resource to help him through the darkest moments while living with cancer. Through this experience, the strengths, now amplified, will no doubt bring him to the next level of enlightenment.

Author’s Note: Please join me in wishing David a speedy recovery. David, thank you for being a Daymaker to me.

References:

Linley, P.A. & Joseph, S. (2004). Positive change following trauma and adversity: A review. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 17(1), 11–21.

Smith, E.J. (2006). The strength-based counseling model. The Counseling Psychologist, 34(1), 13-79.

Image from David Wagner’s gallery..

This article first appeared on Positive Psychology News. To see the original article, click here. To comment on this article, click here.

Barbara Fredrickson shared an intervention called positive portfolio during the first Positive Psychology World Congress last month in Philadelphia. I came home inspired to start my own portfolio. In her book “Positivity”, Fredrickson identified ten positive emotions (joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, pride, amusement, inspiration, awe and love) and recommended one portfolio for each emotion.

I set aside last weekend to embark on this project. Where do I start? Hunt and gather all objects first and sort them based on different emotions later? Focus on one emotion only and complete one portfolio at a time? I could feel my anxiety level creeping up while figuring out how to approach this project, which is exactly the opposite of what this intervention is supposed to do! I was about to give up when my eyes caught sight of my personal altar, a 2′ x 1′ wide surface on top of a shelf.

Huh! A positive portfolio right before my eyes!

On the altar are objects of special significance to me. A quick scan of the objects and one emotion jumps out: awe.

According to Fredrickson, awe happens when you come across goodness on a grand scale.  Keltner and Haidt (2003) characterize awe as an experience of vastness and accommodation.

• Vastness is easy to relate to. We experience awe when Neil Armstrong took his first steps on the moon on July 20, 1969 and said the historic words, “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”. We feel it when we are standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon. We feel it the night America elected its’ first black President.
• Accommodation occurs when a person perceives something vast (can be physically vast, conceptually vast, such as a grand theory, or socially vast, such as great fame or power), the vast thing cannot be accommodated by the person’s existing mental structures. They often feel fear, admiration, elevation, or a sense of beauty as well. This challenge leads to confusion, disorientation, and sometimes enlightenment and rebirth.

The Big Brown Stone and the Huge High Mountain

In the center of my belongings on the altar on the shelf, the big brown stone is a memento from a three-week trek circumambulating Mount Kailash in western Tibet. Kailash is the most sacred mountain, to Hindu, Buddhist, and Bonist peoples. According to Buddhist sayings, one circle (kora) around the mountain can atone for all the sins committed throughout one’s lifetime. Our journey took us into the hinterlands of the high Himalaya, skirting under Mt. Everest, onto the barren heights of the Tibetan plateau.

Awe – The expanse of the plateau, the jagged snow-capped peaks, the blueness of the sky, the bone shattering cold, everything is experienced at the extreme end of the scale. It is a place for the rugged adventurer as well as the spiritual wanderer. You literally feel overwhelmed by greatness, momentarily transfixed. By comparison, you feel small, humble, insignificance. Then boundaries melt away and you feel part of something larger than yourself.

Elevation – According to Haidt (2003), “Elevation is elicited by acts of virtue or moral beauty; it causes warm, open feelings in the chest; and it motivates people to behave more virtuously themselves.” A fellow traveler in our group is a Tibetan woman in her late 60s. This trip was a pilgrimage of a life time for her, to be able to walk around Kailash. Her devotion to her faith was the fuel powering her up every morning for the grueling 8 to 10 hours trek. Despite her frail health, the lack of oxygen on that high altitude, she completed her trek with a single-minded focus and serenity. Inspired by her, I stopped complaining and determined to approach the trek as a journey of discovery – looking inward at myself as well as pushing my outward physical boundary.

Admiration – The altitude, extremes of temperature, lack of rainfall, and the rugged terrain itself, make the Tibetan Plateau perhaps one of the harshest inhabited areas on earth. Yet there are people who made this place their home. The tenacity of human spirit to thrive is so strong, perhaps even stronger, in such environment.

Gratitude – Compared with a materialistic place like Hong Kong where I live, the local Tibetan people have very little in their possession. Everything they owned is worn on their body. I was reminded of how few “things” we really need in life to feel happy. On the other hand, the abject poverty there made me develop a deep appreciation for what I have and what I take for granted. It was in this most inhospitable of places, one encounters the best of human qualities. We were offered food, shelter and kindness by strangers throughout the journey.

You might ask why does awe matter. Vastness inspires awe by making us feel small and humble, yet at the same time, it offers a connection to a bigger whole, compels us to see ourselves as part of something much larger. Experiencing elevation makes us feel lifted up and optimistic about the human family. At the personal level, awe is a self-transcendent emotion. By making ourselves receptive to experiencing awe, we create an opening for change and transformation.

References:

Fredrickson, B. (2009). Positivity: Groundbreaking Research Reveals How to Embrace the Hidden Strength of Positive Emotions, Overcome Negativity, and Thrive. New York: Crown.

Haidt, J. (2003). Elevation and the positive psychology of morality. In C. L. Keyes & J. Haidt (Eds.), Flourishing: Positive Psychology and the Life Well-Lived, 275-281. Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association.

Haidt, J. (2006). The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom. New York: Basic Books.

Keltner, D., & Haidt, J . (2003). Approaching awe, a moral, spiritual, and aesthetic emotion. Cognition and Emotion, 17, 297-314.

Images: Courtesy of Yee-Ming Tan.

This article first appeared on Positive Psychology News. To see the original article, click here. To comment on this article, click here.

I finally received the long awaited copy of Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson from Amazon this morning. It was Fredrickson’s research that made me realize the importance of positive emotions to well-being.

Positive Wave

As I read Fredrickson’s book, I couldn’t help recalling a wonderful episode from my mini-vacation two weeks ago on a private rain forest island in Malaysia.

I find restaurants a great place to practice positivity, and very often, receive great service in return. Positive customer behavior begets positive service.

Here’s what I do in restaurants:

1. Flash a big smile to the waiter/waitress
2. Establish eye contact
3. Call the waiter/waitress by name
4. Express my appreciation for their service
5. Show my interest in him/her

On the first morning at breakfast, my partner and I were lucky to get a table in the garden, surrounded by lush tropical plants and a wandering peacock! I noticed a waiter, Jonathan, who stood out from the rest of the staff because of his Duchenne smile.

Engaging him in conversation, I learned a bit about his story. Jonathan, a Nepali, came to work in Malaysia 4 years ago. Because of this conversation, we established a connection as individuals beyond the buyer/seller relationship. My partner and I had a great morning enjoying our leisurely breakfast, looked after by Jonathan.

On the second morning, we had the same table and Jonathan again looked after us. I brought my own mango (a big juicy Indian mango) with me that morning. Jonathan came over and offered to have the kitchen prepared it for us. It was so kind of him to do this. I made a mental note to write to the hotel general manager about such an outstanding service.

On the third and our final morning there, Jonathan surprised us by serving us a plate of mango on the house! It was a special treat as mango was not on the menu. He also packed us some snacks for our ferry trip home!

The smile, the attention, the acknowledgment, the appreciation, the interest from our side brought out the best in Jonathan, who in turns gave us the best gift – a peak-end (the high point and a great ending) experience of our vacation.

References
Fredrickson, B. (2009). < Positivity: Top-Notch Research Reveals the 3 to 1 Ratio That Will Change Your Life. New York: Crown.

Kahneman, D. (1999). Objective Happiness. In E. Kahneman, E. Diener and N. Schwartz (eds) (1999). Well-Being: The Foundations of Hedonic Psychology (pp.3-25). New York: Russell Sage Foundation.

Images
Couple at a restaurant table from Pangorlaut Resort Web site

Other images courtesy of Yee-Ming Tan

This article first appeared on Positive Psychology News. To see the original article, click here. To comment on this article, click here.

I just finished reading Malcolm Gladwell’s latest book Outliers: The Story of Success. Much of  what Gladwell has to say about successful people is little more than common sense: that talent alone is not enough to ensure success, that opportunity, hard work, family, timing and luck play important roles as well.

From a coach’s perspective, the point about luck, timing and opportunity has a special relevance to the pursuit of flourishing lives for Chinese people.

Right place, Right time, Right people

This saying “success depends on being in the right place, the right time and with the right people” (天时地利人和) is deeply ingrained in our psyche. This belief, however, if taken too far, can block us from living a happy and flourishing life.

This mindset attributes success to luck and matters outside of one’s control. It suggests, no matter how hard one works, one still depends on being in the right place and right time with the right people to get ahead. Luck, fate and destiny determine our lives.

Gladwell may have intended his book for American audience where personalizing one’s success is more of a norm, to draw attention to often-times extraordinary environmental factors that help create success. In Chinese culture, this kind of belief system can contribute to fatalism, disempowerment, and helplessness. We tend to operate from an external locus of control and believe that the environment, some higher power, or other people control our decisions and life.

As a coach, my goal is to help my clients shift from a state of helplessness to empowerment. I focus on helping my clients create the right conditions for their own flourishing by:

1. Introduce the concept of locus of control
I do this by focusing on their beliefs about what they can and cannot change. Internals tend to attribute outcomes of events to their own control. Externals attribute outcomes of events to external circumstances. I invite my clients to explore areas of their lives where they will benefit from shifting to an internal orientation. Sonia Lyubomirsky’s Happiness Pie is a powerful image to remind them that no matter where our starting point is, there is much that is within our control through our intentional actions.

2. Create a vision by using the Best Possible Future Self activity.

This step is easier said than done because the client must first believe that striving for a better self is a worthwhile endeavor and that he/she is capable of changing or bringing about change.

3. Develop hopeful thinking

We approach hope as a process through which individuals actively pursue their goals, not just as a passive emotional phenomenon sometimes emerging from dark moments. Snyder (2004) outlines three components for hopeful thinking: goals, agency thinking (positive assessment of one’s ability to attain a goal) and pathways thinking (planning to meet goals).

4. Cultivate character strengths of curiosity, gratitude, optimism, zest and the ability to love and be loved, to increase positivity

According to Barbara Fredrickson, when we experience a positive emotion, our vision literally expands, allowing us to make creative connections, see our oneness with others, and face our problems with clear eyes (a.k.a. the broaden effect). Second, as we make a habit of seeking out these pleasing states, we change and grow, becoming better versions of ourselves, developing the tools we need to make the most out of life (the build effect).

5. Find flow

People engage in flow producing activities just for the activity’s sake, not for external rewards like money or social acceptance. Just engaging in the activity is rewarding enough. Find your flow activities, and putting in your 10,000 hours become easier.

While it is true that opportunity, timing, family and luck play important roles in achieving success in life, I help my clients to create their own luck. By cultivating the right personal qualities and honing their unique strengths, they are able to seize opportunity when the time is right.

Be the right person first and you will create the right time and place.

References:

Beermann, U., Park, N., Peterson, C., Ruch, W., & Seligman, M.E.P. (2007), Strengths of Character, Orientations to Happiness and Life Satisfaction, The Journal of Positive Psychology, 2(3), 149-156.

Csíkszentmihályi, M. (1998). Finding Flow: The Psychology of Engagement with Everyday Life (Masterminds Series). Basic Books.

Fredrickson, B. (2009). Positivity: Groundbreaking Research Reveals How to Embrace the Hidden Strength of Positive Emotions, Overcome Negativity, and Thrive. New York: Crown.

Fredrickson, Barbara (2009). http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/positivity/200903/what-good-is-positivity

Gladwell, M. (2008). Outliers: The Story of Success. Little, Brown & Company.

Snyder, C. R. (1994). Psychology of Hope: You Can Get Here from There. NY: Free Press.

Lopez, S. J., Snyder, C. R., Magyar-Moe, J. L., Edwards, L., Pedrotti, J. T. Janowski, K., Turner, J. L., & Pressgrove, C. (2004). Strategies for accentuating hope. In Linley, P. A. & Joseph, S. (Eds.), Positive Psychology in Practice. pp. 388-404. New York: John Wiley & Sons.

Seligman, M. E. P., Steen, R. A., Park, N. & Peterson, C. (2005). Positive psychology progress: Empirical validation of interventions. American Psychologist, 60, 410-421.

Sheldon, K. & Lyubomirsky, S. (2006). How to increase and sustain positive emotion: The effects of expressing gratitude and visualizing best possible selves. The Journal of Positive Psychology. Special Issue: Positive Emotions. 1(2), 73-82.

This article first appeared on Positive Psychology News. To see the original article, click here. To comment on this article, click here.

I found this quote on a billboard in the City Hall Square in Copenhagen while on holiday there last month: Replace fear of the unknown with curiosity. Recognizing moments of fear or anxiety is simple enough but entering a state of curiosity is a real challenge for me, probably has something to do with my practical sensibility.

Recent research by Beerman and colleagues published in the Journal of Positive Psychology suggests that curiosity is one of five strengths closely related to life satisfaction (the other four are gratitude, optimism, zest and the ability to love and be loved). Although it ranked pretty high on my VIA profile (no. 8 on the Values-in-Action Strengths-Inventory), I don’t feel ownership with curiosity like I do with my top 5 strengths yet. So how might one go about developing this strength?

Christopher Peterson, the developer of the VIA method, suggests cultivating our strengths by first identifying and using them in new ways. Curiosity is defined in the VIA as:

Curiosity [interest, novelty-seeking, openness to experience]:
“Taking an interest in ongoing experience for its own sake; finding subjects and topics fascinating; exploring and discovering.”

My A-ha Moment about Curiosity

I considered identifying fear- or anxiety-driven situations: that seemed like a good starting point.  But then I had an a-ha moment in a most unexpected occasion. It was over a dinner with my workshop participants talking about customer profiling in luxury cosmetics marketing. Based on my buying behavior, I am definitely not an early adopter. Early adopters like to explore and discover new things and experiences. I am exactly the opposite. The launch of a new product cannot lure me to the cosmetics counter. I don’t get tempted to try a new brand of my favorite food in the supermarket. I like to order the same food on the menu in restaurants.

The a-ha moment for me was that I do possess a high level of curiosity but only in specific domains. I am not curious about material things but am highly curious when people are concerned. I want to know other people’s stories and what makes a person tick. I love to travel to different countries and experience the locals’ lifestyles. I love googling and checking out new websites to explore what is cool and interesting out there.

Specific Curiosity Exercises 

This insight enables me to experiment with a more nuanced approach to incorporate more curiosity in my life especially in the here-and-now moments. Here are some positive psychology exercises I tried:

• Starting now, to always order a dish I’ve never tried before in restaurants.
• Pick a knowledge field I don’t normally go for. For example, my favorite website www.ted.com offers topics in many themes. Apart from my favorite themes, what makes us happy and how does the mind work, I make it a point to check out videos on themes I am least drawn to.
• Break my routine by varying the route to work or by sitting in a different wagon on the train.
• Try a new brand of food or toiletries when grocery shopping.



• Listen to different genres of music or to unfamiliar musicians.
• Hang around people who are high in curiosity and allow them to lead me into new experiences!

Once I intentionally suspended my preoccupation with being practical and resisted the tendency to ruminate on negative events, it became easier to treat the unknown as an adventure, which often leads to amazing encounters. Curiosity is still not a signature strength for me and it may never be, but the practice of cultivating curiosity has certainly exposed me to the richness of life, higher peaks and deeper valleys. Even when the outcome isn’t good, I will have wonderful experiences to add to my memory bank, and a good story to tell my friends!

Beermann, U., Park, N., Peterson, C., Ruch, W., & Seligman, M.E.P. (2007), Strengths of Character, Orientations to Happiness and Life Satisfaction, The Journal of Positive Psychology, 2(3): 149-156

Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990). Flow: The psychology of optimal experience. New York: Harper Collins.

Dean, B (2004) Curious About Curiosity? http://viacharacter.org/VIAClassification/MoreOnStrengths/Curiosity/tabid/118/Default.aspx

Kashdan, T. (2009). Curious?: Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life. New York: William Morrow.

Park, N., Peterson, C., & Seligman, M.E.P. (2004), Strengths of Character and Well-Being, Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 23, No. 5, 2004, pp. 603-619

Peterson, C. (2007) ,  A Primer in Positive Psychology, Oxford University Press, Pages 158 – 160

This article first appeared on Positive Psychology News. To see the original article, click here. To comment on this article, click here.

Editor’s note:  We are delighted to welcome Ming with her first article on PPND.

Do strengths translate well to workplaces in China? I run positive leadership workshops in Shanghai and Hong Kong, and recently came across an experience in which the strengths-approach was challenged.

“This assessment doesn’t tell me my weaknesses, it only contains strengths. I don’t get it! What’s the point of an assessment that doesn’t tell you your weaknesses? How can I improve if I don’t know my weaknesses?” Chen shouted from the back of the room. Chen (changed from his real name) and his colleagues, all highly educated senior managers of a Scandinavian shipping firm, attended my positive leadership workshop in Shanghai two months ago. His colleagues were just as puzzled by the absence of weaknesses in their VIA report.

Chen’s top five strengths are: Fairness, Authenticity, Kindness, Love, and Humility. He is confused. There is a dissonance between his reported strengths and his real-life persona. He is known to have a quick temper and regularly fights with his customers. He knows his biggest weakness is the inability to control his temper.

In coaching, the power of the VIA character strengths is not in the identification of strengths but in the integration and the shift that come afterwards. Often a good debrief is required before the individuals can fully make sense of what to do with his or her strengths. Marcus Buckingham’s Go Put Your Strengths To Work is a great resource on applying strengths at the practical level. You can read a great summary of this book at Using Strengths When You Work by Kathryn Britton. I used the following questions to debrief Chen.

Ming Tan: How much do you own these strengths (Fairness, Authenticity, Kindness, Love, and Humility)?

Chen: Definitely fairness, authenticity and humility. But I don’t think I am kind, especially not loving.

Ming: This is interesting. The survey results come from your answers. Let’s explore this a bit. In what situations do you display kindness and care? To whom might you show your kindness? We play different roles in life, and we can behave differently in different roles. Perhaps you show more kindness in one role and less in another role?

Chen: That’s true. I am kind to my wife and my daughter. I am also like this with my friends. But I am not kind at work. How can I be kind and caring at work? We need to fight for our business. When my client is being unreasonable, unlike my colleagues who are passive, I will fight back.

Ming: I can see the strength of fairness and authenticity coming into the picture now. When you sense something is unfair, that is where you might get into arguments with other people. Let’s try this. How do you behave when you are being kind?

Chen: I’m tolerant, willing to listen to other people, considerate, just like when I am with my daughter. I am patient, willing to listen to her, a lot of give and take.

Ming: Great. So let’s take another step. Take the case of your tendency to argue with your client. If you were to tap into your top five strengths, how could these strengths be applied in such a situation?

Chen: Fairness will ensure that I can always balance the needs of my client and our company position. Yes, I see it now. Instead of getting into arguments which damage the relationship, I can apply my kindness and empathy here. I can be more patient and be willing to listen to my clients. Even if they were wrong, I can show some humility too. In the past, when I sense injustice or unreasonableness, I immediately blow up.

Ming: Seems like you’re found a way to tap into your strengths to deal with a real life situation. Let me know how it works out for you when you are back at work.

Chen emailed me three days later. He had almost started an argument with a client. He remembered to apply his kindness and empathy just before he lost his cool. Because he was able to switch to listening and appreciating his client’s perspective, the issue was resolved quickly. He received a big “thank you” from the client afterwards.

Chen had been aware of his temper problem, but the traditional deficit-approach had only exacerbated his frustration. He had tried many ways to no avail: learn to be patient, learn to see things from other people’s perspective, suppress his temper, use calming techniques etc. He finally succeeded by tapping into his strengths, and did so with minimal effort or exertion of self-control.

According to Clifton and Harter (2003), people can change on the changeables but most efficiently through who they are to begin with. In Chen’s case, his development echoes the strengths approach described by Clifton and Harter: identification of talent, integration into one’s view of self, and changed behavior.

As a footnote, I caught up with Chen yesterday. His integration of strengths has helped him turn his former business contacts into friendly relationships. His clients and he are on the same team – not on opposite teams – making his work more fun and meaningful. I asked him to share his insights on strengths approach and he said, “Might as well use them if you’ve got them!”

References:

Buckingham, M (2007). Go Put Your Strengths to Work: 6 Powerful Steps to Achieve Outstanding Performance. NY: Free Press.

Clifton, D.O., & Harter, J.K. (2003). Investing in Strengths. In A. K. S. Cameron, J. E. Dutton, & C. R. E. Quinn (Eds.), Positive organizational scholarship: Foundations of a new discipline (pp. 111-121). San Francisco: Berrett-Kohler.

This article first appeared on Positive Psychology News. To see the original article, click here. To comment on this article, click here.

Yee-Ming Tan

Yee-Ming also publishes a series of tools, RippleCards, for people who choose to cultivate greater well-being in their lives.

Yee-Ming’s articles are here.

This article first appeared on Positive Psychology News. To see the original article, click here. To comment on this article, click here.